You wish you could sit here and say that you don’t think about it. You wish you could say that it only crosses your mind here and there, but you’d be a liar.
You see it’s the moments when you don’t think about it that you cherish…those few seconds where your life feels like your own again, only for the flood of emotions to come rushing back to remind you that you are a prisoner to your thoughts.
Living in the past gets lonely sometimes. Waking up day after day, replaying moments that happened months ago with people who are no longer a part of your life actually becomes quite mundane, you admit.
In fact, it becomes so tiring that you eventually want to give up. It is a life where your dreams are your escape and your reality is in fact your hell. You were never one for the suicidal thoughts but you also didn’t sign up to endure this unbearable pain.
You’ll begin to question your worth because if they don’t want you, then who will? You’ve had your fair share of heartbreak, but you didn’t expect this. You had a plan and then one day, you were forced to no longer think that way.
You simply had to forget. You had to start over.
You’ll question God, even though you don’t pray much. You’ll begin to think that you’ve experienced your best days and the days before you will never measure up.
You’ll have to watch someone take your place. You’ll see the person you’ve grown to love, love someone else. You will see them doing the same things together. You will realize that what you two had wasn’t as unique as you had thought.
You will feel sadness in your bones when you realize that people do not treat others like you do. You will hate yourself for allowing someone to know the vulnerable parts of you. You will wonder how you could have been so wrong about someone who felt so right.
The days and weeks that follow are the worst. You feel numb in one instance and then raw and exposed the next. The memories will haunt you. You will see them in every street, hear them in every song and feel them everywhere you go.
The days will pass and suddenly, it’s been months since you’ve seen them. Someone you couldn’t imagine a day without and now you can’t remember the last time you heard his or her voice. Their laugh used to be your favorite sound and now you wouldn’t be able to recognize it in a crowd of people.
You feel like you should be over this by now. If they don’t care, why the hell should you? But you’ll realize that everyone copes differently and sometimes they don’t cope at all.
The future is now scary. You don’t know where to go from here and you don’t know who will be going with you.
You will try to smile and put a brave face on.
You have not survived because you are surviving, day after day.
This is how you’ll feel. And that is okay.