I am my own worst enemy. I dwell on things I can’t change, I miss people that aren’t coming back, and I minimize my worth when someone doesn’t want me.
I do things that I know will inevitably hurt me and it has become addicting. And no, I do not bury my sorrows with a bottle and a blunt.
Instead, I have a constant film reel playing in my head 24/7, reminding me of what once was, what is now, and what will never be.
I paint the past brighter and prettier than it really was. I envision people to be better than they really were. Their habits that once bothered me are now the quirks I miss the most.
I look at old pictures, I listen to songs that will trigger certain feelings, and I drive on back roads that I should no longer travel on.
It is a cycle I can’t break and over the years, I have seen so many people do the same. We know these things will hurt us. We know that revisiting the past will set us back from moving forward with our lives. But we do it, over and over again.
We see a line and we want to cross it. We know going into it that it’s going to hurt, but we convince ourselves that maybe this one time, it won’t sting as much. But we’re always wrong. We always overstep boundaries and end up feeling worse than we did before. Because is it ever really worth stalking someone on social media to see that their life goes on without us in it? No, absolutely not. But sometimes, we can’t help it.
I know that it is unhealthy to dwell on things, over-analyze situations that are insignificant, and keep tabs on people who are no longer in my life. It’s something I know I need to work on. And I know it’s something other people need to work on, too.
It’s not something that will just happen overnight. This type of self-destructive behavior takes time to get over. It’s a process and it’s different for everyone.
So, next time you’re about to do something that you’re unsure about, remember this:
Does it hurt when you do that? Then don’t do that.
And maybe…just maybe, you’ll break the cycle for good.