I am a terrible person. Well, no, scratch that. I’m a good person doing an appalling thing. I’m actually a wonderful person. Kind, considerate, motivated, etc. My positive qualities outweigh the negative ones by far. Yet the one harmful activity I knowingly participate in cancels out all the positive things I bring to this life, all because everyone has the tendency to blame the “other woman.”
Yes, I’m not going to lie, I do it too. When I’ve found out my asshole boyfriends of the past were talking to (and banging) other girls, I immediately thought of the other girl as some soulless skank and hated her. The guy I’m currently with had one drunken slip up and did it with some redheaded chick while we were on a break, and even though they were never in love like we are and haven’t talked since, I still have to resist the urge to punch her in her slutty face every time our paths cross. Which is completely and utterly stupid of me, and of every other person out there who blames the other girl rather than their significant other for an incident of infidelity.
Logically, it makes no sense whatsoever why the responsibility is always put on the other woman. By sleeping with someone taken by a different girl, these so-called slutbags are affirming the fact that the girlfriend chose well and has a desirable partner. Basically, it’s like the “whores” are giving the girlfriend a little pat on the back and saying, “Bravo — your guy is so sexy that I couldn’t stop myself from getting with him — good job getting them to want to be with you.” This is what I constantly have to tell myself to stop from blaming the other girl, especially because I have been her many times before and know that it’s not her fault.
It makes me sound like an awful slut to say that I am fully aware that I have been the other woman multiple times. Although one time I didn’t even know I was, which in that case, was not my fault. But did I get blamed and slut-shamed? You bet I did — because most women, when finding out their lover is a cheater, can’t fathom the fact that their perfect man is flawed and at fault. Instead of being strong and dumping his cheating ass, most people will use the cheatee as a scapegoat and place all the hate on them, so they feel better about staying with someone who is straying. Most people do that, but not all. There are some strong ones who see that a significant other drifting towards other people signifies a rocky relationship and end it because they are able to recognize that their relationship is failing and nonfunctional. Those people — those are the ones who are logical and reasonable about messy cheating situations, and get the fuck out before they are swept up in a whirlwind of cheatee-hating, slut-shaming bullshit.
So here is my experience with being the “other woman” and why I did it, even when I knew the guy I was getting with was in a relationship. Most people will say I have extremely low self-esteem and was desperate to accept love from anyone, even if it was the wrong kind of love from the wrong person. That is not true. I have a very high self-esteem, actually, and the men I was getting with only boosted it by thinking I was desirable enough to do something with me that would potentially end their whole relationship.
So, you may ask, how could I let someone have sex with me all while knowing that they were probably going to regret it because it might ruin their life if their real lover found out?
Because, well, it wasn’t my problem.
Most of the time I didn’t know the girlfriend, so I didn’t care. Yes, that is extremely insensitive. But, when you’re horny and in the heat of the moment, the last thing you think to do is stop someone from doing something that will harm him or her, but really have not much of an affect on you. I know, I know, I sound like a whore. And I am, by society’s standards. But by my own standards, the standards of the “other woman,” I am anything but.
The other woman is not always some desperate bitch with practically no self-respect. The other woman has feelings too, you know. Perhaps she really has a deep connection with someone in a different relationship — a connection so deep she is willing to sacrifice her morals and values if it means the other person will reciprocate her love, even just for one night every once in a while. Maybe the other woman works her ass off to be attractive and desirable, and is so pleased when men think so that she doesn’t bother to dig into their personal life and find out if they are already taken before they hook up. The other woman may even think that she is a decent enough person to attract other decent people, so she assumes that those pursuing her are not already relationships when they are inviting her over. Hell, maybe the other woman is just so damn horny that she can’t control herself. That excuse is always used for guys who cheat, why never for girls who help with the cheating? Maybe the other woman truly loves the person who is doing the cheating, and therefore doesn’t have it in her to stop it.
Most of the time, it is not the other woman’s fault. She is not the one in the relationship. She knows where she stands. She wants to experience someone and doesn’t stop even though she knows there’s a possibility she’ll receive some spiteful calls from a crazy girlfriend the next morning. The other woman doesn’t do what she does to hurt the girlfriend. She does it to satisfy a need of her own — one that no one else could possibly understand unless they have been in her shoes.
So, is the other woman a heartless tramp who purposefully damages other people and their relationships with her actions? Absolutely not. Is the other woman selfish? Well, yes. But aren’t we all? It’s about time we stop condemning her for being selfish, a trait that is programmed into each and every one of us, and start placing the blame on the people who deserve it — those who do the actual cheating.