1. The Verbal Procrastinator
This guy manages to spend 2-3 hours at the gym without lifting a single weight. He hovers around several machines simply to kill time until he recognizes someone else he barely knows, and manages to distract them as well.
“Sup, Kev. Lookin’ big man, keep up the good work.”
“Hey Tracy, how’s the kids?” (Tracy doesn’t have any kids.)
His Look: Likely in the 38-55 age-range, average build, mild potbelly, wearing a Nike sweatband he clearly doesn’t need.
His Motivation: Making friends, so maybe some day he can throw more than one lone burger on his new stainless steel, infrared gas grill.
2. The Newbie
The extent of his weight room knowledge consists of having watched Pain and Gain starring Mark Wahlberg and the Rock seven consecutive times. He’ll stare at the more experienced lifters, and then jump on the same machine after them to try desperately to mimic their every move. It’s only a matter of time till the entire gym quakes to the sound of him pinning himself to the floor with a barbell.
His Look: Lanky, likely pre-pubescent, age 14-20
His Motivation: Asking Becky Chambers to prom in 2 years, and to have arms thicker than a piece of asparagus.
3. Work-Out Barbie
She struts her big-titted ass into the gym with perfectly straightened hair and bilateral smokey-eyes just to walk on the treadmill at 3.1 speed for 30 minutes, and then straight back to her 2011 White Honda Civic through which she will blast ‘Toxic’ by Britney Spears on repeat the entire way home. In the 30 minutes she’s at the gym, she ‘s burnt 14 calories, and has been eye-fucked 79 times.
Her Look: Blonde, 24-34, 115lbs before her implants, 130lbs after.
Her Motivation: Showing off her amazing new melons, and hoping they’ll land her a sugar daddy.
4. The Horn Dog
The only guy with balls enough to actually interrupt women while they work out in order to utilize some of his ultra lame pick-up lines.
“Great weather we’ve been having, eh?”
“What?” (removes earbud)
“The weather, it’s fantastic.”
“I’m trying to run…” (reinserts earbud)
“No worries babe, I’ll catch you later.”
Oh no you won’t, Sir Rapes-a-lot.
His Look: 39-49, sports a semi-hard boner, works out only slightly harder than the Verbal Procrastinator.
His Motivation: To masturbate less.
5. The Elderly Nudist
Holy Shit! Last time you try and sneak away to take a mid-work-out dump. This stark naked old man or woman is walking around the locker room in slow motion, as comfortably as if they were in the privacy of their own home. It also seems as though they are always dropping something on the floor that requires them to bend over in order to pick it up.
His/Her Look: Age 65-85, tits or balls sagging to the floor, several irregular looking moles and no clothes or towel anywhere in sight.
His/Her Motivation: To haunt your dreams forever.
6. The Overweight Class Instructor
She deters you from taking the class all together, only because you simply cannot fathom a kind of workout where you actually gain calories. Does she serve food in that class?
Her Look: 5’4”, a buck-65, bouncing around like the ghost of Chris Farley after his fourth 5-hour energy. She probably consumes approximately 8,000 calories a day in order to move around that much and maintain her current weight.
Her Motivation: To confuse you by offering to teach you how to get ‘buns of steel’ while harboring a box of Twinkies in her glove box.
7. The Sweatiest Mother-Fucker You’ve Ever Seen
Wait a tic, this gym doesn’t have a pool. Why the hell is that guy soaking wet? His workout may or may not have included cardio, but his shirt is now a completely different color than it was when he first arrived.
His Look: Age/build may vary, but he is dripping from places you didn’t even know had pores.
His Motivation: To leak copious amounts of sweat all over the machine you want to use next.
8. The Crossfit Preacher
He works out decently well, but spends all of his down time bitching about how inconvenient it is that he has to come to a standard gym since there aren’t any Crossfit locations close to where he works. He’d rather bro-all-out and see how many laps he and his buddies can do in ten minutes while pulling a wagon full of midgets around a parking lot then perform standard bicep curls next to a bunch of common-folk.
His Look: 20-35, big, but not overwhelmingly cut, wearing neon-colored clothing and desperately searching for a chalkboard to write down the number of reps he was able to do in case he happens to forget by the next day.
His Motivation: To recruit you to an eventual partner WOD.
9. Screaming Mimi
Jesus Christ, what was that? You whip out your camera phone hoping to document the first-ever vaginal delivery of a human baby out of an adult male, but it’s just some dude doing squats over in the corner. You sure all that moaning helps you lift better?
His Look: Variable; I’ve seen many a man scream like a banshee at the gym.
His Motivation: To draw attention to himself, and to exaggerate his work ethic.
10. The Awkward Runner
Some of you may be paranoid that you run funny, and some of you should be. This person either flails her arms like she’s trying to fight off a swarm of bees, or she keeps them completely flaccid by her side, like if Mrs. Potato Head were running a marathon with human legs.
Her Look: Skeletally skinny, mosquito bite boobies under an unnecessary sports bra, wearing an over-sized soccer club T-shirt from 8 years ago.
Her Motivation: To maintain zero percent body fat, and to protect the gym against a possible wasp invasion.
11. The Know-it-all Trainer
The only people who willingly sign up to train with him are those looking to take advantage of the free training session they acquired through signing up. He talks very loudly during the entire session, to the point that it embarrasses the client, in hopes that some of the bystanders will overhear and also want in on his ‘killer’ workout advice.
His Look: 40-49, terrible hairline, former college athlete at a Division 3 school, over-confident, but with a decent build for an older guy, and incessantly offering to “put his abs up against any of the young kids at the gym.”
His Motivation: To put people down in order to feel important.
12. Lazy Susan
She’s actually paying for training sessions, but was expecting immediate results without having to actually put forth any effort. She wails and rolls around dramatically on a mat after being asked to complete only ten consecutive crunches, and declares that she simply cannot do any more.
Her Look: 22-30 year-old female, looking to drop that freshman 15 for good, or to battle her now gradually decreasing metabolism.
Her Motivation: Hoping the trainer will do all the work so she can change nothing about her current lifestyle, but still start to kill it on Match.com.
13. The Machine Hog
He rotates between three different machines at a time and gets unnecessarily defensive when you try and use any of them before he considers himself to be done.
His Look: Variable age/size, but is notably greedy and lacking in social skills.
His Motivation: To try and gain control of one God damn thing in his life before returning home and allowing his wife to continue to emasculate him.
14. The Roid Monkey
This guy is beyond the point of no return on his use of steroids. He thinks he is being envied for his size, when in fact no one feels that way, because they know there is no way in hell his genitals are still functioning properly. All the other members walk on eggshells around him for fear that one tiny thing will set him off into a fit of rage where he will rampage through the gym before burning the entire place down X-men style with his soulless eyes.
His Look: 220-260lbs of pure anabolic steroids, veins as thick as a garden hose, pea-sized testicles, and enough back acne to make a Somalian lose his appetite.
His Motivation: To beat King Kong in a sudden-death armwrestling match.
15. Lucy Lulu (Woman in Over-priced Workout Clothes)
Hey, something’s gotta motivate her, right? She may have purchased them for herself, or a significant other may have purchased them for her, but either way she looks like she just ransacked a Lululemon truck.
Her Look: 27-45 year-old possible divorcée; younger women can hardly afford that shit, and older women wouldn’t dare spend that much on an outfit just to get sweaty. $90 pants + $50 tanktop + $120 track jacket = one outfit, or a warm meal for 400 starving African children, depending on which way you look at it.
Her Motivation: Maybe with her ass looking tight as a tiger, she can land a younger man.
16. The Selfie Monster
He spends 50% of his 1.5 hour workout actually lifting weights, and the other 50% of the time trying to nonchalantly take pictures of himself at angles that make him look as ripped as possible. You’ll then watch him hog a bench for ten minutes while he shamelessly flips through different Instagram filters in order to determine which of the twelve selfies he’s taken so far will make the cut. “Go with low-fi, bro; definitely, low-fi.”
His Look: 18-33, T-shirt from a popular local bar turned into a cut-off, overly groomed eyebrows, and possible use of self-tanner.
His Motivation: Staring at his own reflection publically, and praying that eventually some of the Instagram “hunniez” he stalks regularly will like his pictures in return.
17. The Status-Update Monster
Pre-workout: Muscle Mundays, back and bi’s, baby. Let’s do dis!!!! #gymtime [insert picture of his putrid looking protein shake]
Post-workout: Great workout, bring on Summer 2014, Boiiii!!!! #feeltheburn #cleaneating [insert picture of a chicken breast and a lump of spinach on a paper plate]
His Look: Similar to the Selfie-Monster, but less cut, and slightly less self-obsessed.
His Motivation: To clog up your Newsfeed, and to surpass his former personal record of three likes on a single Facebook status.