Not to condone alcoholism by any means, but sometimes I totally get it. A good buzz makes you feel like you could literally go out and grab life by its big, beautiful balls. The following is a collection of some of the more amazing talents you obtain when you put on your drinking pants.
1. Moves like Jagger. The music’s been on point all night, and you are feeling utterly fantastic. A kickass jam comes on, and you have your friends start to form a circle around you. Although you haven’t been able to touch your toes since the early 90’s, you somehow just managed to do a very public split on the dance floor and tear a good-sized hole in the crotch of your best jeans. Totes worth it, but boy do you wish you were wearing panties! Sober, you would have helped to form the outer perimeter of the circle only, and prayed that none of your friends called you out and had to watch you kill everyone’s buzz with a few sad, unenthusiastic loser moves. But thanks to alcohol, you just put both Usher Raymond and those Riverdance guys to shame with a performance that will be the main topic of conversation at tomorrow’s Bloody Mary brunch. You go, Glen Coco!
2. Time Travel. Out of the seven bars you went to last night, you only clearly remember the first two. Pictures start to fly up on Facebook that you look really excited to be in, but you don’t remember smiling for a single one. One of your friends even wrote a song for you, and sang it at a tire place with a street bum holding a guitar while you giggled and hid behind a pole. Sounds like you took a field trip to Time Travel Town, my friend.
3. Impossibly Awkward Silence. Throughout the entire rest of the day, your friends couldn’t have offered you any amount of money to shut your trap, and suddenly you’ve decided that you no longer feel like using words. You stare silently and awkwardly at everyone around you, making them more and more uncomfortable by the minute. Maybe you’ve suddenly decided to pursue a career as a monk and are taking your vow of silence very seriously, or maybe, you fear that upon opening your mouth you will instantly vomit on yourself. Either way, you’ve got some willpower, you crazy little creeper.
4. Invisibility. You walk by several people you recognize but don’t wish to talk to, so you simply reroute yourself on a different trajectory to get to where your friends are standing. It wasn’t obvious at all, and they most definitely did not see you.
5. Superior Intelligence. In an effort to convince people that you ‘aren’t that drunk’, you’ve engaged them in a conversation about thermonuclear radiation, and you’ve managed to sound like you very clearly know what you’re talking about. Duh, of course they believed you.
6. PJ Resisting. You have plenty of clean pajamas, but last night something inside you made you want to break the mold. Either you’ve woken up totally nude aside from an ankle sock on your right foot, or in an effort catch every possible minute of valuable sleep, you’ve opted not to remove a single item of clothing from the night before. More than once you’ve actually woken up next to your house keys and an unopened bag of microwave popcorn, with your shoes still laced and your purse across your body. You regretted none of it.
7. Gazelle-Like Speed. There are several cabs lingering around the area that you could easily take home, but what’s cheaper than that are your own two effin’ legs. Plus, what’s ten blocks, right? You’ve got this. Because you are lightning fast, you get about halfway there in what seems like nine seconds. But suddenly you don’t feel like holding your burrito anymore, cuz’ it’s totally weighing you down, so logically you launch it at a nearby minivan and continue onward in the same direction even faster than before. Seven paces later, you sprint directly into a pipe sticking out of the ground that literally appears out of no where, soar into the air in slow motion, and land on your back, breaking a rib. But had that demon pipe not been there, you would have easily qualified for the 2016 Summer Olympics for track and field.
8. Foreign-Language Fluency. A bizarre-looking European chick with unusually sharp teeth has been talking to you in a language that you assume to have been French for the last 40 minutes, and you guys have totally been bonding. Using the little French you do know and the little English that she can understand, you are pretty sure you just advised her of a few other cool bars to check out in the area. You resist speaking some of your overwhelmingly fluent drunk Spanish, however, because one of your New Years Resolutions was to start dating white guys.
9. Irrationally Good Looks. That half of a Jack and Coke you spilt all over your white top earlier and all that lipstick on your teeth is slowly starting to fade away in the mirror. You look damn good for having just spent the last thirty minutes grinding your sweaty ass on a bunch of ambiguously raced men in front of the DJ booth. Get back out there girl, it’s hunting season!
10. Spiderman’s Web of Lies. Sometimes alcohol makes you want to tell strangers really absurd stories about yourself, none of which are factual. Sometimes alcohol makes you want to forge a British accent until you now have to fake needing to ‘use the lou’ after realizing you just invited a decent looking guy to tea and crumpets with Queen Elizabeth herself. Sometimes you tell people you don’t even have a job, just to see if they continue to talk to you simply because you have huge boobs. This past Friday you let a random lady split a cab with you back from downtown, and interlocked fingers with a heterosexual guy friend the entire way home in order to first convince her that you were dating one another, and then to solicit her into an imaginary threesome. If you think it would make for a great story the next day, the answer is yes, you should absolutely do it.
11. Overwhelming Athleticism. Sober, you couldn’t toss a paper ball into a garbage can from two feet away if your life depended on it. But now that you’ve had a chance to throw a few back, you’ve been makin’ it rain on dem hoes on the beer pong table for the last hour, sinking shot after shot after shot. You start to gain about as much notoriety as Lebron James and a crowd starts to formulate around you in order to watch. High-five, bro.
12. Territory Marking. Alcohol makes you have to pee; now, not ten minutes from now, now. Regardless of if there’s a toilet or not, if you want it bad enough, you’ll make it a bathroom. In college, you used to pee behind a lot of trees waiting for the shuttle back to campus, and if your balance was off enough, all over your own pants and legs as well. If you are a man, you have it far easier. You can pretty much pee on anything aside from the chest of an underage girl, just make sure to check for cops first, because after 9/11 everybody got pretty sensitive. If you are a really talented male urinater, you can spin around and hands-free ‘helicopter’ pee all over the common area at your friend’s new apartment complex, all the while announcing that you are ‘the Sheriff’, and encouraging the neighbors to ‘listen up and listen good.’
13. Irish Goodbye-ing. Now you see me, now you don’t, bish; I’m a mother-trucking sorcerer! Before you even realized I was gone, I was home running a bath, watching cartoons, and finishing my third slice of pizza. You figure if your friends are truly your friends, they won’t be mad at you for unexpectedly vanishing from social situations without as much as a word. Plus you are an adult, and you can bounce whenever you want to bounce.
14. Pseudo-Invincibility. Sometimes you make it home without a scratch, but more often than not, you wake up with a twig in your hair, scratches on your back, seven new bruises, and an ankle the size of a softball. Did we host a gang bang last night, or did I get run over by a golf cart? Other times you wake up with an inexplicable black eye that you attribute to participation in an intense dance circle with aggressive strangers, and an Arabian man named Jafar has been texting you for the better part of the morning. Either way, you are not in nearly enough pain to account for all the physical injuries you acquired last night. Thank God alcohol was there to break your fall.
15. Socialization. You spend the better part of your week lurking around your dimly lit one-bedroom apartment like Gollum from Lord of the Rings, and actively try to avoid human contact of any kind. But after a few drinks, you become little miss popular. You shoot the shit with several new groups of people, and even exchange numbers with some girls you just met after they declare that you should ‘totally hang out sometime!’ Once you sober up, you immediately go back to hating everyone, and pray that those chicks never, ever decide to call you.
16. Shoes are for Sissies. You spent the last few hours prancing around in these fancy, nightmare heels that had your calves looking great, but that are now making you feel like a powerless China woman being forced to bind her feet. You rip them off despite the recommendation of your friends, because you will walk the city streets faster and far more safely without them. Also, you get defensive and FYI everyone that the used condom that’s now stuck to the bottom of your foot, you put there on purpose.
17. Professional Binge-Eating. You ate dinner less than four hours ago, but alcohol has convinced you that you are positively famished. And you’ll be damned if you make it home without eating again! You order an entire pizza pie, and get confused when your friends start to thank you as if you intended to share it with any of them. Where’s that Asian guy with the shitty blonde dye-job that eats all those hotdogs on ESPN? I could own him right now!
18. Beer Balls. Suddenly you don’t like the way that girl is looking at you. Hey, what’s her problem? Your friends convince you that it’s nothing, but you know better. If she looks at you like that again, you are fully confident that you could Bruce Lee her skinny, white ass, or in the least, spit a wad of gum in her hair with no repercussions what so ever. Instead of heading home after you leave the bar, you may instead decide to commandeer a party bus and take it downtown to pick up your buddy at his front door, because it’s your world and everyone else is just living in it.
19. Narcolepsy. It’s a Saturday night. You actually slept in until 11am this morning, and felt quite refreshed up until this very moment. Now alcohol has managed to convince you that you simply cannot wait until you get home to go to sleep; you need to pass out right here at the bar this very instant. A bouncer notices you almost immediately, and kicks you out before you had a chance to successfully reached REM. Stupid dick! You then fall asleep in the cab also, forcing the driver to have to awkwardly ask you to wake up and give him money, and then finally in your own deliciously comfortable bed.