During my 26 years as a land mammal, I’ve found that alcohol tends to highlight and accentuate one’s individual baseline texting behaviors. Generally speaking, a happy person is a happy texter is a happy drunk texter as well, unless of course they are a whiskey drinker or have several fairly serious inner demons.
Once you and your friends get to know each other better, you may offer to hold one another’s phones after a few drinks. You don’t want to get super buzzed and have a moment of weakness where you send that guy Billy something overwhelmingly clever like a 10pm ‘Hey’, because Billy is such a dick, girl. You’re better than that. This plan lasts only about an hour and a half, after which point the three other cocktails you’ve had in the meantime convince you that even though you just repeatedly told your friend not to give your phone back to you no matter what you said, you now urgently need it. ‘No, I swear, I’m not gonna text him, I just want to set an alarm so I don’t miss this conference call l have in the morning.’ On a Sunday? Yeah, OK. She gives it back, but mostly because she wants to check hers as well. The type of message Billy receives from you will depend entirely on which of the following type of drunk texter you are:
1. The Hater – The Hateful Texter finds every little thing offensive, and is actively looking for a fight. Either completely unprompted or in response to a totally benign comment, she will start implementing a lot of ‘F-bombs’ and ‘whatever’s’, and also start to over-utilize the peace sign Emoji, as in ‘Pshh, whatever, FU, peace out’. She may even text you a picture of herself giving you the middle finger, since unfortunately the President of the World Emoji Federation has not yet graced us with a simple and electronic way to do so. Either way, that train’s headed to Angry Town, and she’s the Conductor.
2. Lady Jibberish – She is so obliterated at this point that even autocorrect hasn’t the faintest clue as to how to help her out. She’s likely lost the entire group by now, dropped her debit card in the toilet, and has the remainder of a grilled fish taco shoved into her cross-body purse. In an effort to find her friends and also to figure out where the eff she lives, she messages the group with ‘Wherru guys, wat th hell is shappnening’, which would have only been slightly more helpful had she actually pressed ‘send’. Silly Rabbit!
3. The Emoji Monster – People who like to soberly incorporate a lot of emoticons tend to really overdo it when they start to get a little tipsy. You just sent me a hammer, a cat frowning and a palm tree, I’m going to go ahead and assume you are heading to the beach to abuse some animals, but I can’t really be all that sure.
4. Little Miss ‘Text the Super Wrong Person’ – These horror stories always make me cringe. She meant to text Joe from Tinder, but accidentally texted her Uncle Joe who lives in Utah instead, and he is going to be pretty God damn confused as to why she wanted him to come over and incestually ‘cuddle-fuck’ at 2am.
5. The Horny Sexter – The Horny Sexter, generally speaking, is a fairly regular masturbator by day, and a borderline serial rapist by night. As the evening progresses, she will start texting anyone she’s hooked up with in the past two years that resides within a 50-mile radius hoping to catch a bite from somewhere. She tries to send a decent cleavage selfie from the bathroom toilet at the bar, but forgets to crop the seat covers out of the background.
6. The Nominee for Best Actress in a Drama – She tends to be pretty dramatic on the day to day as well, but when she drinks she takes it to a whole other level. After her fifth mojito, she calls you hysterically crying and accusing you of having left her all alone, when in reality you are two seats down from her at the bar talking to an old friend from college. Chill, betch; I am right here.
7. The Photo Monster – Instead of just telling people where she is like a non-annoying, normal person, she sends them pictures of herself at various bars, and also pictures of all the types of cocktails she’s been mixing that will lead to her inevitable demise. This person is also likely performing a hostile takeover of your Instagram, uploading photos that her gradually declining vision has convinced her that she still looks super good in. #margs #ritas #margaritas #tequila #tacotuesday #hashtag #giveitarest
8. The Correspondence Exchanger – Whether she wants to attribute it to beer goggles, near-sightedness, or what have you, the Correspondence Exchanger likes to give her number out like it ain’t nobody’s bidness. Sure, that guy bore a striking resemblance to Danny Devito, but they both like boats and dogs and had like….so much other stuff in common too. As for all the attractive guys that ask for her number, she’ll offer to input it herself, and instead include either 6 or 8 digits because her fingers are drunk and numb from nursing that vodka-cran all night. She will spend the next few days attributing the guys not following up to her irrational body image issues versus her inability to count.
9. The Otterboxer – After a few stiff cocktails, it’s like she’s just moisturized her hands with eight layers of Crisco. She drops her phone, and then in an effort to stop it from hitting the floor, jerks her foot out in a seizure-like fashion and kicks it halfway across the bar. You will then watch her scurrying around trying to pick it up as she drops it every 15 minutes after this moment for the rest of the night. Aside from tossing her phone around like a hacky sack, the Otterboxer is also notorious for leaving it around the bar unattended; on a chair, next to her drink in a puddle of Fireball, on top of the toilet paper dispenser. And unfortunately for her, while that fancy, expensive cover may prevent her Iphone from shattering into a million pieces upon impact, it will not stop that Mexican busboy from slipping it into his back pocket and regifting it to his niece at her Quinceañera next weekend.
10. The Actual Phone-Caller – She spends the majority of her work week trying desperately to avoid having to actually talk to people on the phone, and for the most part, she is successful. Plus, it’s 2014, and she simply does not understand or appreciate people who decide to call to tell her something they could have just as easily texted or emailed. But for some reason when she wakes up the next morning she has an inexplicable outgoing call to one of the guy’s she’s actively been talking to that lasted 7 minutes and 15 seconds, zero minutes and zero seconds of which she remembers. Son of a…
11. The Remorseful Deleter – This little lady may actually be a blend of some of the other types discussed. After she finally gets home from the bar and starts to sober up ever so slightly, she panics as she re-reads all the wildly embarrassing messages she’s been sending to multiple people over the last three hours. She deletes them all on impulse, to make herself feel better and to pretend they never happened. She nearly forgets about them too, until part-way through the next morning she starts flipping through her phone while toasting a sourdough English muffin and finds several blank message screens with people she recalls having talked to all day. Some of the messages weren’t as bad as she thought, but quite a few were, and she may not hear from several of those terrified people ever again.