Something I have become increasingly talented at in the past few months is being single. I watch all my friends find boyfriends and get young men to chase after them while I sit at home and do homework. They wonder aloud why I am not in a similar situation with suitors lining up at the door. Why do I not have boys constantly falling in love with me? Why am I not wanted so badly by all the hot bachelors on campus?
To answer the pressing questions on everyone’s minds, I am single because I follow these wonderful steps to guarantee my continued lack of a relationship. If you want to stay single, even if you are allegedly “pretty”, “funny”, or “smart” according to your friends, then I have the advice for you.
1. Do Not Party/Drink
In college, your peers all drink and go out to parties. They want to loosen up and have a good time. This is strictly advised against if you do not want a relationship. If you want to stay single, stay sober and in your room. Read a book or write a blog instead of going out and dancing on strangers with your water bottle of vodka.
2. Dress Conservatively
All those cardigans your grandmother gave you for Christmas will not be wasted if you want to be single. Wear these with tank tops that are high enough to cover your entire chest; the higher, the better. Pair this with jeans that are slightly faded, but most certainly not skinny or dark-wash. Wear your hair in a banal fashion and apply minimal makeup. Your natural face is the way to go if you do not want anyone after you.
3. Do Not Talk to Any Guys
Avoid talking to any young man that is not your gay best friend or brother. If you do not socialize with members of the opposite sex, you will not find a boyfriend among them. If you avoid these creatures at all costs, then you will most likely be safe from the danger that is having a significant other.
4. Wear Your Glasses
Glasses are so overrated. Everyone thinks the look is coming back with hipster fashion becoming so popular. Glasses are actually boy-repellent. Wear your glasses and avoid wearing contacts whenever possible, because it is better to be immediately written off as a nerd than to be immediately documented in a young gentleman’s mind as an attractive, available female.
5. Avoid Eye Contact
Nothing sparks relationships more than making eye contact. Eye contact leads to smiles. Smiles lead talking. Talking leads to relationships. To completely ensure your single status, be sure to avoid any guy who dares to make eye contact with you. Be sure to keep your head down at all times and only look up when you hear voices that you recognize that are trying to get your attention. Be sure to avoid all other eyes as you respond to those people you already know.
6. Never Share Anything Personal
The more superficial you present your personality to be, the greater chance you have of never making an emotional connection with someone. Without doing so, you will be able to prevent attraction better than the average person that makes the mistake of talking about themselves.
7. Avoid Social Interaction at All Costs
Tired of being in public and having men after you? Tired of having your friends say that there is someone they know that would be just perfect for you? Avoid all this troublesome nonsense and limit your social interaction not only with men, but your girlfriends as well. The less time you spend with people, the less likely you are to find yourself permanently stuck with someone.
8. Become Unresponsive to Flirting Techniques
“You look beautiful” “Oh, thanks, I guess”. “You are very funny” “Yeah”. “We should hang out more often” “No, I’m busy then”. This one is self-explanatory. If you do not want anyone wasting your time flattering you or complimenting you, brush that nonsense off.
I hope these techniques help you in your pursuit to stay single. As long as you avoid people, avoid talking, and try not to look attractive, then you will most likely be lucky enough to accomplish maintaining your single status. If for some reason you fail and accidentally find someone chasing after you, good luck with that too. I guess it can’t be the worst thing in the world.