Sex Is Hard: Answers To Questions About Anal Orgasms, Swallowing, And Pubic Hairdos


Sex Is Hard is a brand new(!) column geared at answering sex questions. I mean, it’s not a complicated premise. But just about everything else we’re going to talk about will be. Want to have your question answered? Email me here, or tweet me here. I don’t blush easily. Actually, I do, but I’m kinda into it.

I have a friend who said she had an orgasm from just anal sex. I don’t get it. It’s not that I hate anal, it just doesn’t get me anywhere close to climax. Is it possible? We don’t have a prostate like them, so how does it work?

As the taboo around anal sex – and particularly, ladies loving anal sex in a genuine, not “pretending to love it to make my boyfriend happy” kind of way – dies a long-overdue death, we’re learning more about how many people are doing it, how they’re doing it, and why they love it, on a more anatomical level. Some women can only come from clitoral stimulation (and a lot of anal sex fans are understandably in favor of combining the two), but others have more complex means of achieving orgasm.

As far as how your friend – and all the women who, like her, can bum-cum – experienced what she did, there’s no one answer. We have a clit, a g-spot (which is looking ever more likely to be part of a “female prostate” situation), a vagina, and an asshole, all of which are packed into a pretty small space, separated by very thin walls. When you think about sexually tending to any of those areas, it’s likely that there could be some cross-stimulation. Depending on the specifics of an individual’s anatomy, it’s absolutely possible for anal sex to give a woman’s g-spot the attention it needs to do its thing. 

What anal douche do you recommend?

Juan Pablo. And mineral water. You have to scroll down a bit to get to the actual technique. There’s really no reason to waste money on expensive products when you can DIY this shit. Alternately, this, because it’s so classy.

I like going down on guys, but I hate swallowing. I’ve received complaints about this from a few dudes, so – once and for all – what’s the policy? Does going down mean that shit has to go down your throat?

Even more than I hate the dudes who swallow-shamed you, I hate any sexual ideologies that take away personal choice in literally any part of sex. There are no “shoulds” or “musts”. None. It’s not that I don’t understand the appeal on a guy’s behalf of having a girl swallow their peen-sauce – it’s also a convenient and tidy way to dispose of it – but that’s his preference. It doesn’t give him the right to make you feel bad about yours. In all sex acts, these are the only rules: Be clear about what you want, be clear about what your boundaries are, try to be aware of the wants and boundaries of your partner, and never fuck anyone who doesn’t respect yours.

In this specific case, if a dude complains about your lack of interest in sperminating your stomach, simply tell him that you’re the one doing the deed, so it’s really your call how you want to dispose of the evidence. And if a non-swallow scenario bums him out that bad, you can just forgo the blow entirely.

So…what are we ladies supposed to be doing with our pubes these days?

Short answer: whatever we want. Most real, down-to-Mars girls seem to be opting for a “well-groomed natural” look (bush intact, but trimmed to be manageable for things like bathing suits and better access during oral sex), but really, the “trend” in pubic coiffure is “personal preference > trend”. As it damn well should be.

Longer answer: When I was in high school (2001-2005) and started giving thought for the first time to the state of my vagina ‘do, there was – at least in my part of the world – only one acceptable option: scorch the fucking earth. Going bald wasn’t just the most popular thing to do, it was arguably the only thing to do if you didn’t want dudes to think you were gross. For years, I cringed at the thought of hooking up when I was anything less than totally shaved. Which was shitty because that involved a lot of work, occasional cuts, razor burn, and often getting into situations where you didn’t shave but want to have sex, and being stuck choosing between maintaining some bullshit façade of hairlessness and getting down with someone. There is no greater power struggle than that between adolescent hormones and adolescent insecurity.

I was – how do I put this kindly? – a complete idiot. Not only was that a whole lot of work to adhere to some weird aesthetic code that is inarguably derived from a bigger social force that infantilizes women and sexualizes little girls, but it’s not even good hygiene. Your pubes protect your whole lady-area from germs and dirt and infections and other shit that should turn sex partners off way more a little – or a lot of – hair.

My boyfriend hates when I try to bring my vibrator to bed with us – he says he takes it as a sign that he’s not enough. He’s wrong – he’s great at getting me off, I just think it’s really hot when he uses my vibe’ on me. How can I get him to shake the hang-ups about it?

Tell him exactly that. If you’ve lovingly, sincerely told him that it’s less about the vibrator and more about him using the vibrator on you, and he still feels insecure about it, that’s kind of on him. I’m not saying he’s a terrible person for feeling that way – we all have our little inadequate feelings and insecurities to work through, and open discussions with people we love and trust are usually how we end up working through and evolving past those things – but it’s not your obligation to curtail your behavior and compromise your happiness to cater to his own shitty self-confidence. Only you can know if you’re doing everything possible to make him aware of how hot and sexually skilled you think he is, and if he’s the kind of person who wants to actually address the root cause of his bad feelings, or if he would prefer to avoid it and surround himself with people who compensate for his insecurity. That’s his call. Regardless, there should be no vibrator shame – you like what you like, you’re trying to be inclusive with your partner (I mean, hey, would he prefer if you took the vibrator out of your sex life if that meant you went with it?), and clearly you care about his feelings – you’re doing your part to come to a mutually positive resolution here. But he has to be willing to do the same. TC Mark

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