People who shy away from – or outright hate – monogamy often defend their aversion with the notion that sex with the same person for an extended period of time will undoubtedly get boring. While it’s true that some couples quickly give up and resign themselves to a sex life that more closely resembles two soft, sleepy loaves of bread smooshing into one another once a week, that’s far from the reality that most couples experience. Boring, lazy people let their sex lives go lackluster, just like they will allow that to happen to any other aspect of a relationship – if you want to keep challenging each other, and growing, and being stimulated, you have to be willing to do the work.
The unfortunate truth is, most people are simply unwilling to do the work necessary to keep generating new love and new excitement. But when that’s not the case, a willingness to work combined with a thorough familiarity with someone else’s body can result in some next level shit.
Better communication means better sex
Communication is like exercise (stay with me): There’s a period when you first start doing it when it doesn’t feel easy; it takes a great deal of effort to get going, but once you’re used to it, it becomes easier to do. And you can do it better. And you even enjoy it. Even on the days when you feel like being lazy and not doing it, you still get off your ass and exercise because you’ve seen the benefits. You’re healthier and happier and get to hold your superiority over other people’s heads. Unexpected perk: Even if you always, let’s say, go running, once you’re in good shape, you can more easily do other forms of exercise like biking or…okay, I don’t exercise.
But communication works the same way – if you learn how to do it in one part of your relationship, you’ll very likely be good at it in other ways. Hot sex is all about communication – being able to tell someone what you like and what you don’t, understanding the subtleties of their facial expressions and body language, and a comfort about being open with each other. Like, once you’ve told someone your secrets, fears, and dreams, it’s nothing to tell them to go a little to the left.
Trust lowers inhibitions
To have sex with anyone, you have to trust them to some degree. Trust and guardedness work in balance anytime you’re in a vulnerable position (and despite whatever mental maneuvering you do to depersonalize sex, it inherently, unavoidably involves vulnerability) – the less you trust, the more guarded you are. The more you trust your partner, the more you feel safe letting loose, both in terms of your actual, physical safely and in terms of the things you let yourself feel, and say. No matter what kind of sex you enjoy, the more you feel free to completely surrender yourself to the moment, the better the experience will be. When you fully trust someone, that’s a lot easier to do.
You know each other’s bodies
No matter how skilled you are, there’s a learning curve when it comes to doing naked things with another person. The process of figuring out a new body is immensely enjoyable, but still, there’s nothing like getting into bed with someone who already knows exactly how to play you.
You actually care about getting each other off
Ideally when you love someone, you strive to understand their needs and you try, where you can, to give them those things. Chances are high that their needs include orgasms. That’s not to say that someone you aren’t in a relationship is automatically going to selfishly treat you like a blow-up doll, but when you’re overall happiness is important to someone, it’s likely that consideration will translate, um, genitally.
You don’t mind hanging out with them afterward
You know that thing when you have incredible physical chemistry with someone but when they talk, you remember how stupid and dull and annoying they are? Every second after an orgasm is a painful countdown to when you can ask them to leave without seeming like a total asshole. (Look, as long as they know it’s just a sex thing and you’re honest and considerate and not bullshitting them, there is no shame is having hot sex with someone you don’t like. You do still have to be nice to them though.) Sure, we’ll all put up with a certain degree of annoyance for the sake of a decent romp, but man, it’s so unbelievably nice when you’re done boning and you still want to hang out with the other person. Cuddling, joking, the muscle memory of knowing how you best fit together for sleeping. Ugh, heartgasm. No disrespect to casual sex, but all of that bonus stuff is what elevates a sexual experience from being a singular enjoyable act to a mere piece of an infinitely more dynamic kind of satisfaction.
Less pressure to be perfect
Bodies are weird and gross, and for some reason, we’re trained to hide that as much as possible. Dating someone new is one long, tedious game of Using All The Soap And Make-Up To Hide Any Detectable Sign That You Are An Actual Human And Avoiding All Situations That Don’t Serve That Goal. It’s strange that we do that, but that’s an issue for another time – suffice to say, we’re all trying to look impossibly pretty for new people. Sex, while also highlighting some of the more wonderful things bodies can do, also definitely illuminates their more unsavory aspects. When you’re with someone new, it’s too easy to get distracted thinking about things like “Fuck, I’m getting really sweaty – do I smell? Is my makeup running down my face? Oh my god, what if I fart? WHAT IF I FART?” Clearly, we all wish we were well-adjusted and secure enough to always roll with it and not care about this stuff even when we aren’t in a loving relationship, but let’s be real: it’s a whole lot easier to laugh off your imperfections when you know person you’re with is already in love with you. And when you aren’t worried about appearing perfect, you end up far more present and engaged in the decidedly human task at hand. Sex, at its best, is a time when all social pretenses should fall away in favor of channeling our more visceral side. Not many people are entirely capable of that with someone they don’t know well.
You can try new things
There are times when you feel game to try new things in bed. Since you’ve already had lots of sex together, and are likely going to have a lot more, each individual occasion doesn’t carry nearly as much pressure. With new people, you want to be at your best (shut up, yes you do) so you stick to what you know works for you, and the things you do that you know work for most other people. You play it safe. Relationship haters always decry the boredom of having sex with the same person, but what they don’t get is that there is a unique freedom that comes from the belief that a) this person loves you no matter what, and b) you will have sex again so if this time isn’t the best, that’s fine. It’s a lightness that makes experimentation much easier. Relationships, hopefully, tend to accentuate who the two people already were. Shit only gets boring (well, we all go through slumps; I should say “only stays boring”) if you are, in fact, a boring person.
But you don’t have to try new things
There are also times when you just want to do what works and be able to count on it being totally adequate. Pushing boundaries and exploring new sexual territory can be great, but so can just getting that shit done. It’s like, yes, it’s rad to experiment with new recipes, but having sex with someone you love is like making your signature choco-splosion cookies that you’ve made a million times – you might think you would get tired of them eventually, but really, you just get better at making them and want to eat them more.