I was recently babysitting my friend’s 9-year-old daughter and everything she said was brilliant, so I decided to interview her. Notes in italics are mine.
How do you know when you’re in love?
When you always want to stand next to someone no matter what you’re doing. And you’re really nice to each other.
What happens when you die?
Everyone you know is sad and then you get buried and animals eat you. (Her eyes when she said the last part froze my soul.)
Why do they eat you?!
Because they have to eat something! They can’t, like, go to the store. You’re just laying there and they didn’t know you so it’s not sad to them. They’re just like “Whatever, I’m gonna eat you now.” (She is creepily delighted about this.)
Do you go to heaven?
My mom said that, but my friend told me you can turn into whatever animal you want. Maybe the one that eats your body. I don’t remember but I think that sounds cool.
What animal would you be?
(Laughs maniacally) A bear, so I could eat dead bodies! (Okay, time to change the subject.)
What is politics?
That’s where everyone talks about what to do and argue a lot. I’m don’t know what else it is. (Neither do the rest of us.)
What does the President do?
He tells everyone what to do. He’s like the boss of the world.
Everyone in the world? What about the other presidents of other countries?
He’s mostly the boss in America but he’s, like, the most important one of other countries too. (Well, nice to see we’re teaching our country’s young minds to have a healthy perspective on our role in the world.)
What does God look like?
(Thinks for a minute) Santa! But he wears a dress thing.
How do you know when you’re an adult?
When you finish school and have a car and have kids.
How many kids do you want?
Because they’re annoying.
But if you have to have kids to be an adult, and you don’t have kids, how will you become an adult?
Well, I guess you don’t have to have kids. Oprah doesn’t have kids and she’s definitely an adult. (Note: WHUT. How does she even know that? I’m in love with this child.)
What is the best thing to do when you’re sad?
Just run around like crazy and then call your friend and tell them what’s wrong and then eat your favorite food and watch a movie you like and just try not to worry about it. (Yes. Exactly that.)
What’s the most important thing for a friend to do?
Not tell anyone your secrets and tell other people not to say mean things to you and help you make up dances. (Preach.)