Not that I think we should waste our presh time comparing bodies, or try to decide whose bag of water and bones is most valuable based on arbitrary, trend-driven specifications. Like, fuck that racket. I am, however, wholeheartedly in favor of loving our bodies, unapologetically. Because – although it doesn’t happen often enough – it is entirely possible to love your body without shaming someone else’s. So let’s all join hands and collectively shit on the idea that celebrating ourselves constitutes an implicit criticism of others. With that in mind, with nothing but love for our bodaciously breasted sisters, the following is a list of things that make teeny, tiny titties the holiest, most perfect beestings in the universe. They are the molehills that can move mountains. They are the bumps that launched a thousand boners.
Gravity can basically suck our barely-boobs. It can’t touch this. With significantly less meat weighing them down, small breasts have a solid chance of still hanging in there well into our old age.
No back pain
I really don’t know how ladies with ‘normous knockers even handle carrying around that extra weight. And, truly, it’s an issue for a lot of women. I had a friend who had a breast reduction in high school because her boobs were fucking up her back, even at that young age. I have another ladypal who had a reduction and those monsters grew back. Tits can be wily daughters-of-bitches. Having had small breasts my whole life, I often feel sincerely grateful to not have to walk through life everyday with melons strapped to my chest.
Bras are easy
I hear so many women complaining about shopping for bras and I’m like, “What life are you guys living?” But I get it now. I’m owning my bra privilege. I love bra shopping but that’s because it’s ridiculously easy to find cute, cheap, readily available bras when you have bitty titties. Here are our criteria: Is it my size (usually yes, because small sizes are easy to find)? Is it visually appealing? Is it not super expensive? That’s it. There is very little regard for issues like support, or straps that cut into our shoulders, or whatever other big boob concerns are afoot in the lingerie store. Real talk: I’ve bought bras without even trying them on. And it almost always works out perfectly. I just eyeball it, buy it, and it will very likely fit exactly right.
Not that you really even need one
Also, wearing bras is largely optional when you have small boobs. Obviously, it depends on what you’re wearing and how you feel most comfortable, but going braless when you are meager chested is a way less serious situation than unleashing DDs free-range upon the unsuspecting world. And, I mean, fuck what the world thinks – big boobs need the support of bras. IBTC members can go free-boobin’ pretty much any time and not only are we comfortable, but braless small boobs are considered sexy and chic, whereas unrestrained larger breasts are seen as vulgar. It’s a shitty double standard, but considering how mainstream perceptions of what constitutes a sexy body tend to pass over small breasts, it’s kinda nice to come out on top on the braless game.
Fewer creepy stares / comments
All boobs are going to attract their share of attention, whether it’s wanted, unwanted but harmless, or outright offensive. How people react to breasts is surprisingly effective personality test. Like, it’s nice to know who is capable of being the same building as a pair of tits and still functioning like a sane person, and who isn’t. Boobs illuminate creeps quickly. That said, small breasts tend to get a lot less unwanted attention than larger ones. Walking around with bombshell boobies means having to constantly deflect stares and comments, feelings of casual objectification and fetishization. It means having to always prove that you’re worth more than the balls of fat in your shirt. Make no mistake – all women are tasked with these challenges daily. But I do feel like it happens more frequently, and more extremely, to top-heavy women. Small boobs fly under the creeper radar a bit more.
Exercise is much simpler
Dear big-breasted yogis: HOW? Respectfully, The Band-Aid Bra Brigade
Strapless tops are less risky
Bandeau bikinis and strapless tops and dresses are easy as pie to pull off when you have barely-there boobeez. The bigger your breasts, the more wearing this style feels like playing Jenga; you perpetually have that anxious “fuck, is it about to fall?” feeling.
Actually, all clothing
Clearly, some clothes do look infinitely more amazing on ladies with more substantially blessed chests. No wee-boobed woman hasn’t had moments of trying on an outfit and wishing with her whole being that she possessed any ability to create cleavage. That shit is real. But for the most part, clothes are made for small people. It’s fucked up and unfair and we can talk about that later. And that’s not to say that everyone with small boobs is a petite. Small boobs live on all kinds of bodies. But still, when any part of your body is more according to fashion standards, it becomes easier to find clothing that fits and hangs correctly on you. Just another small reminder that we all need to continue working to make all women feel represented and that their bodies are valid and beautiful, and to appreciate the little perks of our own weird bodies.