You know how sometimes having lots of friends can be boring? You know those days when being so ubiquitously respected and liked by your peers can get downright old? Yeah, me too. I was like that once. I had a dynamic, overflowing reserve of friends to love, endless good times were being had, and a general sense of appreciation for my actions, thoughts, and feelings was being spun around like a glorious maypole on a spring day – but eventually, I was so over it. Going from social smooth sailor to all-out pariah isn’t easy, but trust me – if I can do it, so can you. And I’m here to help.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Jess, even though I really want everyone who loves me to stop being my friend, I’m pretty stuck in a rut of being honest and generous and decent towards people. What do I do?” Don’t fear, babes-a-puss! You can absolutely take steps to ensure your social demise without ever actually turning into an asshole at all. Here’s how:
Have opinions! Oh man, the more opinion juice you can squeeze out of your brain fruit, the better. And make sure they are in direct opposition to things/people/events/ideas that are popular. These ideas can be founded on reason and sound arguments if you want, but that’s not an essential ingredient to being ridiculed and judged. Although the more valid your argument is, the more it will hurt when it’s blindly disregarded.
Share your opinions publicly. Now, it really doesn’t matter how intelligently or respectfully you articulate yourself – anything ranging from “primitive ape grunts” to “State of the Union Address” will likely still hit the mark. Facebook is a good avenue for this; maximum exposure of your opinions to lots of people, who will feel very safe as they attack you from behind their computer screens. It’s like that old saying, “If an opinion contrary to popularity isn’t announced on the Internet, does it ruin your reputation?” No, friends, it does not. Don’t half ass it. If you really wanna go for it, only convey your most provocative, controversy-inducing thoughts on Twitter. Limiting the complexities of your formidable mind to 140 characters is truly a next level way to make sure you get misunderstood and incur maximum damaging social impact.
Have sex. Have as much or as little as you want, with whichever consenting partners you want. Say no when you want. Don’t apologize for it. Be honest, unashamed, and forthcoming about your sexual choices. Sincerely forget that what you’re doing is considered wrong by a lot of people, either because you’re having too much sex, or too little, with too many partners, or too few, with men or women or both. In the midst of remembering to conduct yourself with love and consideration for yourself and others, forget that despite all that, what you are doing is unquestionably really, really wrong. Talking about it candidly will make it even worse, so do that too, if you’re absolutely not f-cking around with the whole “wanting to make people hate you” thing.
Get on the bad side of a really big bitch. And for this purpose, it can’t just be your run-of-the-mill douchebag. She needs to be, like, the worst. The more hot-headed, loud-mouthed, and reactionary she is, the better. Got someone in mind? Yeah, you do, you catty minx! Now do something to piss her off. Don’t strain yourself too hard; if I know anything about this girl — and I think I do — it won’t take much. I’m not telling you to surrender any integrity here, so just wait long enough, and in the course of living your normal life, you will probably accidentally offend her just by saying something intelligent and honest that she will take personally. And then, boom! Your work is done! Girls like this will take any reason to run around, say terrible things about you, and in a perfect world, completely call your entire reputation into question. If you have professional entanglements with this spunky lass, even better. The more of your social world she can f-ck up, the better, right? For even more effective respect-reducing powers, take one bitch with a side of “trying to defend yourself” and call your therapist in the morning. He’ll tell you how your attempts at salvaging your image actually just made you look like you’re on her immature, sh-t-talking level. Well done!
Try new things! Throw yourself wholeheartedly into adventures you believe could be rewarding. This could include, but is naturally not limited to: travel of a temporary or permanent nature, job / career changes, starting new relationships, ending old relationships, going back to school, having a child, getting married, deciding to not do or undo any of these, adopting a cat. Do this multiple times over an extended period of time; remain unwavering in your boldness, even after failure. Put all of your energy, optimism, and resources into whichever of these you opt to go for at any given time. In your mind, this will give you the best chance of success, and regardless, will give you the greatest return on your risk in terms of experience gained and good times had. To the rest of the world, this will make you look ever-so flaky, inconsistent, flighty, emotional, and irresponsible. While the occasional failure is the risk you willingly accept in the pursuit of an extraordinary life, most of the people around you will take these occasional backslides, turn-arounds, and “oops, that wasn’t as cool as I hoped it would be” moments and use them as evidence with which to label you an “unstable” person for the rest of forever. Taking risks and refusing to settle for an ordinary existence is probably the single best way to become socially ostracized and wholly discredited as a sane, respectable human being.