The Party Girl’s Pros And Cons Of Getting Pregnant

Note: Upon completion, I realized that this list could be summarized as follows:
Why It’s Awesome: You get boobs.
Why It Sucks: You don’t get booze.
If you would like to read the extended version, it is provided below.

Why it’s awesome: It’s like in sci-fi movies when someone adds a tiny component to the dead spaceship that’s been sitting in someone’s garage and suddenly everything springs to life and there all these lights and bleep bloops and mechanisms firing and everyone’s like “Jesus, look at what it can do! We’ve never seen it do any of this before!” I think something like that happened in Independence Day. I don’t watch a lot of sci-fi. Anyway. Being pregnant is like that. Seeing what all your fun body bits are logistically designed for is interesting and humbling. Which can also make it a bit scary, like standing at the base of a very big mountain.

Why it sucks: It’s scary, like standing at the base of a very big mountain. Having a womb full of baby and observing your body doing things you didn’t tell it to do (things you didn’t even know it could do) brings on a disorienting sense of losing control. Like being a passenger in your own body. Personally, I like to feel in control of my body. Watching it do weird things I didn’t decide to make it do makes me feel small and powerless in a big, cosmic, “Oh right, bigger things exist than me and my whims and stupid little dramas and I’m really just this bag of fat and water that was designed to push out other bags of fat and water and I’ve really been kidding myself to think I mean more than that, so I’m just going to sit here and be part of the life cycle because that’s obviously what it comes down to” kind of wayIt’s not, like, the best feeling in the world.

Why it’s awesome: We can all use a bitch slap of humility sometimes. The more uncomfortable is it, the more you (and by “you”, I definitely mean “me”) probably need it.

Why it sucks: People assume you don’t want to go out and do anything. Ever. Or talk about anything but babies and cervixes. I haven’t got a lot to say about cervixes, I don’t really like babies and while I assume that my offspring will be a special roast blend of completely goddamn fantastic, I haven’t met the kid yet so I don’t have a hell of a lot to say about him. Let’s talk about your life because I’m assuming that unlike me, the main players in your stories have vocal cords and eyelashes, which I’m almost entirely positive will make them more fascinating to talk about.

Why it’s awesome: You have an excuse to get out of anything, say anything, do almost anything, etc. And you get extra credit for even the most basic personal upkeep, like putting on make-up or heels. You get Saturday night compliments for a Tuesday morning’s worth of effort. And later on, if you end up anything short of a sweaty, bloated, gassy, disgusting cow, people will constantly tell you how amazing you look. (But I’m not sure how much I like that. Don’t placate me. Even I wouldn’t wanna hit it.)

Why it sucks: Pregnancy does weird things to your sexy parts. Excuse me, baby friend, but my nipples are the cheerleaders of Team Orgasm. They are for recreation only. Why is there this milky crap coming out of them and holy hell, you’re trying to eat it. And I refuse to even talk about what’s going to happen to my vagina.

Why it’s awesome: Watch this, you basic bitches: I can make milk come out of my tits. I can feed life from my fun bags. You know who can’t do that? Dudes. Babes without babies. It’s kind of impressive. And I feel like after all the awkward pawing I’ve let drunk guys do to them, my boobs deserved a slightly more distinguished assignment.

More on boobs: They’re bigger and I can’t stop playing with them. To the Jessica Simpsons of the world, you have my sympathy because, babygirl, you look like you’re very seriously suffocating. But for the meager-breasted among us, the newly-fertile northern peaks are rad.

Why it sucks: You can’t drink. And furthermore, you really, really want to drink. I hear there are other ways to process stress but hand-to-god, I haven’t really figured out what those are yet. Where was I when the rest of you were evidently learning how to cope with problems in ways that don’t involve the sweet nectar, cigarettes, and ill-advised sex with strangers? Oh right, I was getting drunk, smoking cigarettes, and having ill-advised sex with strangers.  Now I have to learn new coping techniques, and they likely won’t involve looking really cool.

Why it’s awesome: I now have to learn new coping techniques, and they likely won’t involve damaging my organs and/ or self-respect. This process can only be compared to those first few weeks (which are also the last few weeks for a lot of us) of a new exercise routine; painful at first, but then you get the hang of it and feel healthy and accomplished and smug and all that good, superior feeling crap that we like to feel. Once you learn how to soothe a rough day sans Jameson and Marlboros, you’re going to feel so gloriously superior to your sad, indulgent, barfly contemporaries with their vacant stares/ uteruses.  (I didn’t mean that ladies. I mean, yeah, I did, but I love you guys. Please save me a bass player to regret in the morning. I can’t stay pregnant forever.) TC mark

image – Shutterstock

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  • http://baileypowell.com/ Bailey

    HAHA I love this candid overview. Congratulations on the baby, enjoy the pros during the nine months they’re here! :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    I wanted to punch you after reading this.

    • Guest

      yikes

    • http://www.facebook.com/richakashelkar Richa Kashelkar

      Why?
      I want to punch you after reading this comment.

  • Guest

    I’m not quite sure how I feel about this article…

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    YES. YES. YES.

  • bee

    I love this.  Men can feel free to have mixed-feelings about children and not get too much flack for it, and it’s good to see a woman voicing the same feelings.  Being pregnant doesn’t magically change someone into a superior, self-sacrificing human.  Love it, truly.

  • KindNewYorker

    This reads like a “well, I guess I needed some time off anyways, so good thing this kid came along.” I know that TC is meant for candid/comical takes on real-life situations, but man, this makes me nervous for your kid.

  • Len Yeh

    Jessica Blankenship – welcome new addition and I’m kind of digging her attitude. I get why some would want to punch her. And I’m not saying she’s incredibly poignant or presents her thoughts in the most eloquent of ways. I’m just saying that with the cast of recurring characters on here, she seems to demand a certain amount of space that balances out well with the Ryan O’Connell’s and Chelsea Fagan’s of the world. 

    Maybe it’s her name. Maybe it’s something else. Blankenship just “rings” to me. 

  • http://twitter.com/MorningTempest Morning Tempest

    You  know.. I kind of like you less after reading this and I don’t even know you.  Perhaps this isn’t your gig.. maybe you should just stick to facebook.

    • http://www.facebook.com/richakashelkar Richa Kashelkar

      To say that you do not like someone despite admitting that you know zilch about them makes you the kind of people who should just stick to Facebook. Just saying..

  • Anonymous

    You guys can – and by all means, should – get back to talking about punching me in a second…

    But for the sake of clarity, I feel that I should make, uh, clear that I didn’t get knocked up in a bar bathroom by a tasty random. I’m in a loving, committed relationship or whatever with a stand-up dude with shockingly few neuroses and a hairy chest that screams “dad”. So we’re all set over here. I’m also a goddamn MENSA member and an accomplished yogi, but that shit isn’t interesting to talk about, so I don’t. I just USED to do sex things with tasty randoms in bar bathrooms. As I’m assuming many of your mothers once did too, so loosen up, buttercups!

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      I don’t think how (or why) you became pregnant is anyone’s business. Why does everyone have to make the internet SO FUCKING SERIOUS?!

      Whatever. I’m not down with breeding and I managed to enjoy it, sooooo…

      • Anonymous

        “I’m not down with breeding and I managed to enjoy it.” — that kinda sums up my feelings on pregnancy in general. 

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        BUT WE’RE ALL DOWN WITH BROODING #AMIRITE

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        To be clear, “it” was your article… not me doing anything even mildly leading to the actual act of procreation.

    • http://twitter.com/MorningTempest Morning Tempest

      While I am not sure that punching you for posting this tasteless piece of mental trash is exactly what was needed for the situation, I can see that this article does have enough key words to strike some strong emotional feelings which could possibly for some, make them feel the need to punch your face and for others worry about the well-being of your unborn child.  However violence for utterly stupid literary nonsense isn’t what we as rational humans should do, it’s almost as ridiculous as announcing to the internet that you are a woman with low self-esteem in spite of your MENSA claims and odd mention of yoga, as if that makes you a better writer.
      You did however make enough waves with your repugnant visualizations that you caused a stir which let to views. And in light of that, I suppose you will think that makes you worthy of producing more articles and hopefully not more on this topic. Perhaps sticking to what you know would be a better idea, some men like chicks who talk dirty and think like a waitress in a truck stop bar.
      Good luck with your offspring and your whatever guy. 

      • http://twitter.com/scruzz Shawn

        And the award for the most passive aggressive post goes to…

      • http://twitter.com/MorningTempest Morning Tempest

        *grins*  Can I get a brownie with that?

      • Guest

        i dont remember reading anywhere, in her comment or her article that the author has low self-esteem….are you deducing that from her proclamation that she used to have sex/hook up with random guys at bars?  so for a woman that means low self esteem, but for the guys she was doing it with it was just…what a normal friday night? i won’t even get into the numerous other unnecessarily aggressive parts of the comment.

  • http://twitter.com/scruzz Shawn

    Since when did we start punishing people for being tongue-in-cheek.

    I mean really guys? Punching a pregnant lady for being clever? Really?

  • Meh

    I stopped reading after “adds” was misspelled as “ads” in the first sentence. Too bad spell check wasn’t smart enough to catch that.

  • Ushannahbelle

    I like comedic views on pregnancy and parenting. It makes me stresses more bearable on the bad days =) Thanks for the laugh! And maybe you should think of adding a disclaimer in the beginning next time. Like- If you’re an uptight, self proclaimed Mom Of The Year- Maybe you should go read the What To Expect books and keep your narrow mind as is.

  • Guest

    I don’t have a problem with the content – all of us want to tell the world that we have a quirky side hidden somewhere within us. And, I appreciate that Jessica looked at pregnancy in a lighthearted way.

    however, that said, the article is horribly written. Just awful. It caused way too much headache  for a weary Monday afternoon.

  • http://twitter.com/caroleheidi Carole Holland

    I totally get pretty much everything you said and I would rather hug you than punch you. Except I won’t because randoms kept hugging me when I was pregnant and it really pissed me off – would you hug me if I wasn’t fat due to impending childbirth? no. SO WHY ARE YOUR HUGGING ME NOW?!

    Gah. And then I went and did it all again.

    I majorly miss my baby-cleavage though. It has just decided to desert me 11 months after Baby2 made his appearance. I had hoped it was here to stay.

  • http://twitter.com/jennifersussex Jennifer Sussex

    Congratulations!

  • steph

    I enjoyed this.  Very relatable; it’s understandable that one might feel this way, being accidentally pregnant; it’s also obvious that having these feelings doesn’t necessarily have any bearing on your commitment to, or ability to invest good parenting in your kid’s life.  I welcome this take on the reality of unexpected motherhood over that of another saccharine sweet baby-crazed newly-brainless mom-to-be.  I lol’ed a little.

  • TLDR

    TL;DR

  • http://twitter.com/mitchlav Mitch Lavender

    A cool read, but the thought process needs to take into account what happens when the child hits atmosphere and becomes a very real part of your life forever.  “Can’t drink and smoke” reads as the most juvinile and unworthy of complaints about being pregnant.  It speaks volumes about where you are and where you will need to be to do this successfully and I encourage you to consider alternatives if hearing that was a bitter pill to swallow.   I’ll be watching the updates on this to see how things develop. 

  • GUEST

    Wow this received a lot of negative feedback…. I thought it was hysterical!

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