1. The DramaCoaster never ends.
She shows up an hour late every time you have plans. If there is no drama, she scares some up by texting, calling, hitting on a guy…any guy…every guy. When you’re having dinner, she’s bored and sullen when no guys pay attention to her. Sometimes she leaves you at a party without saying goodbye and you have no idea WTF is going on. She gives her number to the guy that falls off his seat and has to be escorted from the premises. She invites him to a bar and goes home with another guy and leaves you to deal with it. She’s gone home with EVERY guy you’ve ever introduced her to, except your boyfriends, who have all begged you to drop her from your life.
2. She doesn’t give a crap about your birthday.
Every year you try and do something special for her birthday. You spend her actual birthday with her and then help her with her birthday party on the weekend. You invite your friends so she won’t be embarrassed that no one came. You hand-make her gifts. When it comes to your birthday? She gives zero fucks. When you invite a small group of friends to meet for a drink, she shows up, acts sullen, and scans the room for a dude to hit on.
3. She hates women.
She’s insanely jealous and weirdly competitive with ALL women on Earth, including you. She loses her mind when other women are in the vicinity of whatever guy she’s seeing, even if those women are not a threat or couldn’t care less about the person she’s interested in. She hates it when you are friends with other women. She hates it when you say “hi” to other women. She secretly hates you and your sister, too.
4. She has Toxic Barbie Syndrome.
She thinks she is Barbie. She actually said Barbie is a feminist, and she was not being ironic. She thinks only the beautiful bitches should get the goods. Her ideals are specific: Ken, Barbie Dream House, and Baby Barbie, but she has no clue how to get these things from men. She reads The Rules but alas, it doesn’t help. Men give her laptops and trips and sometimes she calls the police on them, but they do not marry her and give her Baby Barbies.
5. All people in your life have told you she’s toxic.
They say, “Stay away from that crazy bitch.” They say she’s no good. They say the thing she did at that one party was not cool. They say, “I tried to be friends with her but she made out with my boyfriend.” When everyone in your life tells you to cut her loose because she is cray-cray and bad news, it’s time to drop that toxic bomb off a cliff and out of your life. When you no longer hear the tick-tock of toxic friendship, you will realize there are smarter, nicer, and worthwhile people in the world.