1. Marry someone nicer than you.
If you’re a narcissistic a-hole like most people, pick a fish with a better attitude than you. If you’re a self-involved pessimist (who isn’t?) get yourself a good-looking optimist who is also a good swimmer. If you’re a pretty decent person, despite the habit of picking fights when you’re drunk and a mountain of student loans, marry someone with no debt who still loves you when you regain consciousness in the morning. Marry someone who likes animals and is nice to kids, even if you’re not particularly fond of cats or kids. Marry someone who likes your family even if you’re family is messed up. Marry someone who makes you coffee and kisses your neck to wake you up in the morning. Marry someone kind, and who will be kind to you ad infinitum.
2. Marry someone interesting.
If you are not going to be a divorce statistic, interesting is important. People who are interested in things are interesting. Only boring people are bored. Marry the one you have a shared interest with or marry the one whose interests you respect and admire. Passion is a turn on. Passionate people inspire passion. Don’t marry Boring; it will eventually bore the shit out of you both. You want to live a passionate, inspiring life? Marry someone interesting and good in the sack.
3. Marry your best friend.
Marry the person you trust the most in the world. Marry the person who gives a shit about what happens in the course of your days here on earth. Some study somewhere has indicated that if you marry your best friend, you have a better shot at a happy marriage. For most people, happiness is hard. It’s ephemeral and challenging. It’s the ecstasy of the moment, and the agony of most other moments. Marry the person you want by your side to face the fucked up things and the one you want by your side to enjoy the beautiful things.
4. Marry someone who is good in bed.
Marry someone who wants to have sex approximately as much as you do, whether you’re a sex-obsessed perv or you’re only moderately interested in it on a daily basis (you think about screwing 45 times a day versus 145 times a day). What happens under the covers makes the world a tolerable place. Marry someone who is a good kisser and knows how to give good head, and by good head, I’m mean he knows how to use his tongue or she knows how to bob and weave with her mouth. There’s nothing that makes you feel more bliss than a blinding orgasm. Whether you make love with a lot of eye contact or hump like bunnies, marry someone you want to get into bed with and do some recreational screwing.
5. Marry someone who is madly in love with you.
Marry someone you are madly in love with. There should be some mad love in there somewhere. Marry the one who unabashedly says “I love you.” Marry the one who texts, “I miss you, baby” even though it’s the middle of the afternoon snore at work. Marry the one who smooths back your hair sometimes when you’re hungover and Netflixing on the couch. Marry the one who loves you even though you can be a self-involved a-hole sometimes. Marry the one who makes you laugh and gives you mind-numbing orgasms and who doesn’t mind doing the laundry four weeks in a row. Marry the one you love so much, you’ll do the laundry four weeks in a row. Marry the one who is the home and heart you never want to leave.