This Is How You Find Out How Strong Your Heart Really Is

deniseana9
deniseana9

I have become one of those people. You know — those people. Those people that talk about things like being swept off their feet. Those people that talk about love at first sight and have a skip in their step. Those people who seem like they are on cloud nine all the fucking time. You know those people.

Those people are annoying. A volcano could be erupting 100 feet away, but it wouldn’t faze them because nothing could ruin their world. Those people are beaming from ear to ear. They are always happy and bad days don’t come very often. And, if you asked me six months ago I would probably tell you that those people cannot be that happy. That it was fake happiness, that they were hiding something. But, I think I now know their secret.

Those people. Those annoyingly happy, joyful, and optimist people are probably just simply falling in love…

You see, I have begun to understand that I am a hopeless romantic. It just used to be super confusing because I was trying to fall in love with the wrong gender, and it was nearly impossible. But, now that I have accepted myself, learned to not only live with it but also love it, it makes it easier to open myself up to falling in love and being loved. Now, I use the word ‘easy’ loosely because it is also terrifying. Being vulnerable isn’t easy at all. I don’t know many people who find comfort in the possibility of getting hurt.

And, again, if you were to ask me six months ago I would tell you that the possibility of getting hurt was no longer a possibility for me. I would have told you “I’ve been there, done that.” That no one, and I mean no one could ever hurt me again. I would have told you this because getting my heartbroken made me feel like I was going to die. I know that sounds dramatic, but it is exactly how I felt. It’s as if my body was shutting down, and I used to look up articles entitled How Heartbreak Effects you Physically and Can Heartbreak Kill You when I was confused why with heartbreak came weakness, weight loss, and the inability to move from my bed. And, as I got over that heartbreak I promised myself that no matter what, I would never feel that pain ever again. Plus, I was unsure if my heart would be onboard when it came to opening up to a new person let alone the possibility of ever falling in love again.

But, what I have learned in these last {almost} two months is that the heart is a badass.

The heart is going to do what the heart wants to do. If the heart wants to start falling in love, the heart is going to do it, and it is really hard to stop or pause that process. And, it’s not that I actually want to stop or pause the process of falling in love but sometimes {okay let’s be honest} more than sometimes, it’s scares the shit out of me. Yes, I took an entire year to work on myself, be okay with being gay and liking girls, and owning this part of me, so much more of my happiness comes from self-acceptance, but it always scares me when certain aspects of happiness can be tied to another human being. It scares me, but it also excites me and provides me with so much joy and happiness – my heart is honestly overwhelmed.

And, when I say overwhelmed—I don’t mean it in a bad way. I mean it in a way that I truly feel that what I am in the process of creating is precious. So precious, and so sometimes I get nervous about losing it. And, I tell myself not to be scared—that sometimes things are just that—great.

Sometimes precious and fragile things don’t break. Sometimes things don’t have to end poorly or even at all.

And, obviously I can’t predict the future, so I don’t know what will happen {as much as I wish I did}, but there are several things I know for sure…

She makes me smile. She makes me laugh. She calms me down without even saying anything.

She makes me believe in this crazy thing called love.

She is stunning on the outside but even more beautiful on the inside. Two people can make no sense on paper, but make all the sense in the world together. I now know what Derrick Shepard on Grey’s Anatomy meant when he told Meredith Grey that she made him feel like he was coming up for fresh air or something very corny like that. And last but definitely not least, even though yes, I cannot predict the future, one thing I know for sure is that this, this incredible thing with her, is worth the ride. TC mark

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