An Open Letter To The Man I Thought You Were

Dear Man I Thought You Were,

I’ve never struggled so hard to put my thoughts into words. Some of this needs to be said while other parts may be better left unsaid. This will probably come out unorganized, maybe even incohesive, but here goes nothing.

Our ending was like our beginning: quick and painful.

Quick as in, fast. Everything just moved way too fast. Painful as in, it was physically and emotionally painful recognizing the red flags and deciding to pursue you anyway. Painful as in, consciously ignoring my intuition in favor of my heart. Painful as in, watching our spark fizzle out with every text that went unanswered, every conversation you avoided having, and every day that passed you didn’t ask me to be a part of.

I want to believe that deep down you care about how things ended, but I’m not going to humor myself with the possibility of that, so I can only apologize for my part in it. I’m sorry I had to quit you cold turkey. I deserved to be treated better and if you weren’t going to do it, I had to step up and do it myself. You always told me you wanted me to be the best version of myself, so please understand I can only do that without you.

I think of you often, but I know you know that. You know it’s hard for me to let things go. You know it’s hard for me to walk away from a problem or a person without a definite resolution. You know not being able to express what I’m feeling openly and honestly makes me anxious. Frustrated. Restless. I’ve been all of those things lately. I know you know that.

I miss you a lot.

But the person I thought you were, not the person you are. The door-holding, flowers for no reason-buying, “I want you to have my spare key,” “I miss you more, the most, infinity” man. Not the manipulative, “I don’t want you to wear makeup,” “I’m too tired to talk about this,” but let me text other women while I’m with you man.

I hope one day you’ll wake up and make better life choices for the sake of yourself and the little guy who needs you. You have such great potential to be the father yours wasn’t to you, but you aren’t doing anything to change your circumstances. The lesser of two evils is still an evil. A bar, a dark corner, a hotel bathroom… it’s all the same. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for him. He saved your life – spend the rest of it showing him how much he means to you.

I pray that you find someone who makes life easy breezy. It was never easy with us (I take some fault in that, but not all). I pray that she fills the place in your heart that’s empty with love, kindness, and compassion. We both know I was never that person, but one day you’ll find her. I pray that when you do, you don’t take her for granted. That you treat her with respect, communicate with her through the hard times, and choose her over and over again.

I pray for you because I forgive you. Someone wise once said true forgiveness is taking the time to pray for someone, even if he/she is the last person in the world who deserves another minute of your time. You don’t deserve my time, but you deserve my forgiveness. You deserve God.

Wishing you love, laughter, and a lifetime of happiness.