Why I Won’t Use Tinder Anymore

A recent combination of factors (read: failures) has led me to the realization that I am not into this weird hook-up, let-down digital dating bullshit. I am not hip and aloof. I am not DTF. I am not interested in swiping whichever direction leads to a creepy message about my tits. I don’t want to know the rules of bar pick ups and one night stands. I don’t want to judge guys based on an inch-square mirror selfie. I don’t want anyone to see my own mirror selfies. I don’t want to over-analyze Facebook likes or Insta hearts or Twitter faves. I don’t want any unsolicited dick pics.

I’m all for texting flirty emojis, but only if there’s an in-person, interpersonal flirty follow up. I want to be courted. I want dinner. I want to be walked home. I want a first kiss that happens in the middle of a sentence. I want to nervously invite you in. Or not. I want to know your middle name before you’ve been inside me. I want to be (at least mostly) sober the first time we have sex.

I want to cuddle with your dog. I want your parents to know my name. I want to hang out with your friends sometimes. I want you to hang out with my friends sometimes. Maybe our friends can be friends, too.

I want you to know I have feelings, and I expect you do, too. I want to not be afraid to tell you how I feel. I want to not be stuck in some ambiguous hook-up situation forever because no one is willing to talk about feelings. I want to not watch you scream and run in the other direction when things start to get a little serious.

I want you to give a shit, and I want you to act like it. I’ll give a shit, too.

I’ll put my iPhone in my purse when we’re on a date. I’ll pay sometimes. I’ll help you figure out which of your shirts should be dry-cleaned. I’ll cheer when you beat the impossible levels. I’ll edit your emails to your boss. I’ll cook you dinner sometimes. I’ll let you be the little spoon sometimes. I’ll initiate morning sex sometimes. I’ll tell you when you did the right thing. I’ll tell you when you’re being an idiot.

I’ll be there when you need me. Not in a gchat. Not in a text. Not on Skype or FaceTime. I will be there, wherever there is, when you need me because I am not a cell phone with a vagina. I am a human being, and so are you, and that is not asking too much. TC mark

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