To The Baby I’m Desperately Trying To Create

Dear little one,

You aren’t technically a person yet, but I already love you with all my heart. I know that might sound strange, but it’s true. I have no doubt that you will bring us joy and brighten our lives. The idea of you is so intoxicating that we talk about you like you are already on the way. Right now, you are just an idea, a possibility, and a hope. A hope that one day, you will be a part of this world.

This world is not perfect, not even close. It can be dark and challenging at times. It can be evil, and it can be harsh. But it can also be gracious and harmonious. There is perfection, but it comes in small doses—in the perfect moments. I’m ready to experience that perfect moment with you. The one when your eyes meet mine, your mouth feeds from my body, and my heart beats strongly for you.

I’m ready to stop hurting in your absence and start enduring your ever-growing presence. Waiting for you is hard; it’s not fun. I cry just thinking of you. I sob over the memories I desperately want to create with you. You have a power over me, and you don’t even exist yet. But you will—I believe with all my heart that you will. And when you do, I promise to wipe your snotty nose, wash your stinky butt, kiss your delicate face, and hold your tiny hands. I promise to teach you right from wrong, good from bad, and black from white.

Your brother will show you how to draw, ride a bike, and sneak cookies from the pantry. Your father will be your hero and help you learn how to stand up for yourself. Your grandma will nurture you and spoil you rotten. Your teachers will guide you and your peers will challenge you.

Today, I will pray for you. I will ask God to bring you to me and me to you. I hope he answers, because without you, I feel lost. Little one, wherever you are, today I dream of that glorious day. The day I get to feel you kick from the inside. I will pray, wish on a star, toss a penny into a fountain, and pull apart a chicken bone if I have to.

I will do whatever it takes to grow you from within, and I will love you every second of the way.

I’m a student, a singer, a widow, a wife, a writer, and a mom.

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