I just became the 86,837,243rd person to sign up for Tinder*. And as with everything I eventually get compulsively obsessed with, I did hours of experimentation and crude online research — which started, stopped, and centered on lists of copied message exchanges to and from users of this platform. Now I am not someone to ascend the moral high ground, or give away my position on said ground, but what I saw was absurd. Instances of what I’d like to call “a lack of game,” if not a complete lack of awareness that you’re attempting to communicate with a human being on the other end.
The misogyny was appalling. From terrible pick-up lines, to just the three letters “DTF?” Dude after Dude displayed ice breaker after ice breaker that made it look like we’re not separated from the apes after all.
Seriously fellas, it’s time to pick up the game. Not ask “U up?” or “Wanna fuck?” or say “oooh, dem titties!” or ask girls if you may “kiss them where they pee…” Seriously fellas.
Instead of using phrases you wouldn’t try on a prostitute during a wet dream, why not combine classy and clever, chivalrous and caring, and use one of these approaches:
1. I would SO open a door for you.
2. Oh this quill pen and parchment? That’s for when I write home about you.
3. I won’t text you after 2:30, but I will call you to tell you a magnificent bedtime story involving a Golden Retriever, an act of Charity, and Ryan Gosling’s dimples in case you can’t get the sweet sleep that you deserve.
4. I’ll only like Kanye West if you do.
5. It’s Sunday and Football is on, but first, is there anything else you’d like to do?
6. This mess on the floor? Oh that’s because I dropped everything for you.
7. You must be from Memphis, because you have a beautiful Southern accent and a great chronological and cultural awareness of music.
8. This club is nice, but it’s no Book Club.
9. I’ve been offering sensation without expecting reciprocation since 2005.
10. Please see Rick Astley: Never Gonna Give You Up, Chorus.
11. Let’s go pop bottles… of echinacea.
12. I would enjoy every minute of my time inside the inescapable vortex of your FriendZone.
13. I want to do things to you only 2001 Enrique Iglesias would understand.
14. Seraphim or Cherubim? Because I know you’re some type of angel.
15. I just wanna take you out back… and listen to what you have to say
16. You can cry on both of my shoulders.
17. There is no other woman… unless you count my courteous platonic relationship with each of our mothers.
18. Your time of the month is my time of the month to get my act together, get you more chocolate, red wine, and if the need arises, be your free tampon taxi service.
19. Before I die in your arms, let me DIY something handy in your apartment.
20. We always should do the things you want to do.
21. I SO wanna drop your panties… off at the dry cleaner’s if you don’t have the time to get them done.
22. I’m your Macaulay Culkin from My Girl, and I’m bee proof, baby!
23. The only Double D’s I’m concerned about is “Who will be our Designated Driver when we all go out later?”
24. I would SO drop you off at the front of an establishment when it’s raining outside and then go find parking and meet up with you inside… if you know what I mean.
25. Scarlett Johansson Who?
26. I would SO set your dinner table.
27. I would SO love to see your red box… and rent ‘The Fault of Our Stars’ from it and watch it together — if you promise to share the Kleenex.
28. I would SO take your mom to P.F. Chang’s.
29. Coffee, Tea, or more courtesy from me?
30. You have the best taste in shoes. You always have and you always will. Forever and ever and every time you would ever ask. Don’t listen to your girlfriends. Their shoes are inferior to yours. Always.
And if she ends up calling you lame for this, ask her if you can kiss her where she pees.
* This is an unofficial statistic