The Average Guy’s Guide To Lady Swooning

I can’t “Swoon” a lady any more than I can positively disgust her and make her wonder “just what in the hell are you looking at?” Because admittedly I am not Tom Brady. If I’m staring at a lady, it’s unanimously creepy. Unless she’s my mother or my significant other — only then does it get downgraded to “weird.”

Achieving mutual lust just by looking at a woman has never worked for me. I don’t possess that “I saw you from across the bar” kind of visual charisma. Unfortunately it took years of bumps and bruises to my psyche to figure this out. Fortunately they were the kind of emotional contusions that made me realize that maybe I’m not the North star to every woman’s sex compass. And instead I’m just… gasp!… Average.

In my estimation, I’d say roughly 5% of guys are good-looking enough to make a woman’s heart flutter the instant she sees them. Take in this logic for how paltry it really is. But also see the comfort in it. That means 95% of us are just average guys. Well, 90% if my fake data is symmetrical, since 5% of the male population would have to be so remarkably hideous it would make the women that saw them wish they never opened their eyes that morning.

Alas, let’s settle on the idea that roughly 90% of us guys would be considered “Average.” Not unbelievably attractive. Not freakishly gruesome either. Just part of the big happy median.

So how do average guys (i.e. the 90%) end up swooning the ladies? The answer depends on both attitude and perspective. It depends if you’re willing to accept some humility (remember the sex compass analogy), and if you can truly express the following three things:

1. Character
2. Spontaneity
3. Not expecting anything in return

And then implement these rules in real life.

Open doors. Be willing to buy her tampons and cough syrup at three in the morning. Offer to pick her up when she’s had one too many margaritas. Really boringly heroic stuff like that.

Because deep down, all great husbands are boring heroes. And that’s what the tan and toned and well-cheekboned jerks can’t offer and can’t become, right? The guy many average guys are destined to be: the Great Husband.

This is how you distance yourself from the jerks. So what if she puts you in the “Friend Zone,” it’s only a zone defense anyway. And what beats a zone defense? Great shooting. When you get open shots, you need to take them. Be strong. Be steady. Square your feet. Drain those love buckets.

Take those shots confidently and she’ll begin to see what’s really special about you. That you’re not just any ‘Average guy,’ but you’re ‘her Average guy.’ And maybe she’ll think that you’re more than just a friend. If she does, the Swoon is in motion. If she doesn’t, be grateful that you have a close friend that relies on you. Because the older you get, the harder they are to come by. And who knows, if she’s into crazy guys, maybe she’s a little crazy herself. Then it’s best to ‘just be friends’ anyway. There’s no use burning through your budget on misappropriated Swoon.

But if she is into you…

Be willing to hold her scalding coffee without a protective sleeve while she answers an important call from her mother. Clean your apartment before she comes over, every time. Keep her girlfriends’ names straight. Remember her favorite things. And DON’T FORGET HER BIRTHDAY.

It’s not a layup fellas, most of the time it’s a three-point shot over and over again. But if she’s worth it it’ll be worth it. You can’t just go up to the line and lob it up there granny-style, you’ve gotta pinpoint and channel your inner Steve Kerr.

This my average friends, is textbook Swoon.

And why does this guide work?

Lil’ Jon, drop that MOTHAFUCKIN’ MORAL:

Not every woman ends up with the ‘Jerkface.’ They grow old and tired on the inside a lot quicker than it seems from the outside. And women truly want a nice guy. But they don’t want someone whose most intriguing aspect is their ability to have nice furniture. Give them something they can talk to their girlfriends about over wine for Christ sake. Have a plan. Not an itinerary. If a woman wanted to be micromanaged she’d get a job as an accountant. Be interesting. Don’t try too hard. Learn to play guitar, but don’t volunteer to play it at a house party. Hide your Boba Fett figurines until she’s ready.

Attract her with your personal freedom. Just because you live a little and do selfish things from time-to-time doesn’t make you an asshole. And don’t worry about being an asshole. If you’ve already spent considerable time worrying about this, then guess what? You’re not an asshole. And there’s a lot you could learn from actual assholes. Like not giving a shit about what other people think. This is the best quality of an asshole. That and getting things done. Assholes move ahead when other people stagnate. People might not like the method, but guess what again? Assholes put forth a solution. So what if it isn’t partisan? When you aim to please everyone you piss off everyone. A good President will never have a 100% approval rating. Tough decisions come from tough choices that divide people across possible outcomes. This splintering of opinions is a fact of life. Absorb this massive ideal, and attach it to everything else you learned. Then apply it.

And if you can’t keep this anthology of advice straight, just remember to put some thought into what pair of Asics you’ll be wearing when you see her tonight, Average Guy.