Being a stupid asshole is not a science. It’s an art. Becoming a stupid asshole just doesn’t happen naturally. It’s not a gift given by God. It’s a discipline forged by strong dedication to inconsideration, incompetence, and insolence. A willingness to shit on the world while wearing a neon tank top.
Even Da Vinci had his influences, so this means that even you—you stupid asshole—will need to draw your inspiration from somewhere, preferably this list. This is the abridged bible on how to be the most incomprehensible mouth-breathing jerkoff you can possibly be. This list is the ultimate reference guide to irreverence, with tactics to be employed when you find yourself questioning whether or not you really are a stupid asshole.
So here they are, the rules to being a sizable asswipe, 30 in all:
Instead of trying to learn or understand something, criticize it!
Drink more than you know you can, then become someone else’s problem.
Use the word “lame” to describe anything attached to responsibility or self-improvement.
Interrupt a conversation to say something more important.
Take selfies as often as you take the Adderall that isn’t prescribed to you.
Talk shit about the people that are better off than you.
Talk shit about the people that are less fortunate than you.
Talk shit about the person you were just talking shit about others to.
Tell women to make you sandwiches and refer to them as “bitches.”
Brag about how hung over you are at work every day.
Buy a dog, creep out women, leave its shit everywhere.
Remind people what it’s like to hear you say “Cray Cray.”
Never show people your “paying attention” side.
Look down at your phone for lengthy conversation spans.
Speed, swerve, tailgate, change lanes without indicating, and never allow anyone to merge…ever…and all while texting.
Make it easy for your boss to see that you’re a douche through Facebook.
Disrespect everyone until they have proven that they are “pretty cool.”
Act as if your parents being rich means you are independently wealthy.
Act as if money defines class.
Buy 12 shots, Instagram them, then tip the bartender nothing.
Demand that people listen to your new, shitty music.
Flaunt your five-figure salary.
Drive while hammered.
When somebody doesn’t know something that you know, call them the fuck out and tell them they’re retarded. When it’s one of the many times they know something that you don’t, change the subject.
Throw beer bottles at police officers.
If a prospective lover turns you down, burn their reputation.
Always overreact, making sure to get so angry that you can’t even think.
Be an absolute shithead to volunteer refs during rec sports.
Trash the world in the name of YOLO.
Implement one or implement all of these. The real trick to being a stupid asshole is to just look around the room and ask yourself, “How can I fuck this all up and make it about me?”