I slept with your brother. Yes, your younger brother, the one whom you love so dearly and the one who reveres you mostly. I did not plan any of it to happen yet it did. Maybe because partly he wanted it or maybe because partly I was the one who wanted it more. I honestly think that it was the former. I can feel it from the way he looked at me all these years. We were classmates since grade school and up to college we had that common ground. It was not like we were fond of each other. I hated him for a very long time.
He had this cringing expression which he does with face whenever I am around. He teased me with fervor that I did not even know where he was coming from. Then “you” came and “we” eventually happened. I took that as a sign of waving the white flag for truce. It did not work. The fact that he is your brother made me hate him more. He freely expressed his disapproval of me as if I am the most horrible person to ever love you. Thinking about all which had happened now, maybe I actually am the most horrible person to ever love you.
This is the part where you will have me answer the question, “How did it happen? Have we talked about doing it? Did it happen spontaneously? Were we drunk? Were we sober?” I am telling you this now: We were both sad. Sadness became our passkey. It is funny how the sadness of two people can bring them to a blissful state and then they are sad once more. That night he finally did what I thought was impossible for him to do- to open up with his heart and soul. The girl he has been dating for three years does not have the guts to even let him meet her family.
Her uncertainties have done some serious damage in his ego. “Am I not enough?” This is what he asked; the same remarkable question I had for you years ago. He thought that the lack of corporate prestige in his present job is somehow emasculating. On that moment, I came to remember what I usually felt about us. Am I not worthy to be proud of? One comforting word turned to an emotional fortress and then a thing led to another.
Maybe it was just what we both needed at that time- a deeper emotional connection… and a physical one. By letting him take away something from me, I took away some things from you which are beyond recovery. You will hate to admit it but you and I both know that knowing what had happened somehow shattered your ego. Being the egoistic person who you are, I know it will somehow hurt. I never did sleep with you anyway. It will drive you crazy knowing that you wanted my touch but it was your brother whom I passionately caressed. Because you had me waiting while he was the one who waiting for me all along. That was the difference. You should not have let me wait. I always think of him as a cold, grudgingly rough, and uptight person. I was correct with the notion that your brother is not your spitting image. Tell you why?
He is a better lover than you are. My sweetest revenge is that he fell in love with me or felt that he was in love me. Yes, he told me that. In slow and serious tone, he told me what was so hard for you to tell. He whispered it when we kissed. He uttered it while he held me in his arms. Up to date, he constantly texts me to remind that what happened that night was not a mistake. He wanted it and he does not regret it. To be honest, if you are going to ask me if I did regret it, you should know by now that my answer is a no. I enjoyed every fucking inch of it. I fucking enjoyed fucking him. I enjoyed your brother.
Now this is the part where you will slut-shame me. You might be even calling me names now. For the record, I do not care only less. I do not give a single damn for every single negative thought you will be thinking about me. This is how I prefer to let you go. With bitterness and remorse, I have chosen to take away your power to validate me in a lot of ways. By knowing that I have crossed a difficult line I know that I will no longer have the access to go back in your life or in your heart. Why? Because I am tired, that is why.
I have grown tired of wishing that in another world we were strangers who fell in lover a cup of coffee and beautiful prose. I have grown weary of the fact that I will never be enough for someone who is not ready. I have been blaming myself for letting it carry heavy chains; chains which I have built by loving you. I can no longer continue dancing with the devil and then rant about staying in hell.
For quite some time I have been fine with you toying with my feelings when all I wanted to do is to give you the Sun, the moon, and every celestial body I could have a grasp of in order to make you happy. I will no longer bang my head against the wall just so I can feel a greater pain than what my heart was causing me. I will no longer put up with those bullshits because if there was one thing sleeping with your brother has taught me, it is this: It will always be okay to forgive myself for this that I have done. I cannot be sorry for having sex with a person who is not you because dear guy who broke my heart, guess what? I have reconciled with the fact that you are now in my past. I am now leaving you there.