9 Reasons Your Relationship With Pizza Is The Only One You Need

Shutterstock/Denis Tabler
Shutterstock/Denis Tabler

We take a lot of relationships for granted. Our parents and grandparents, friends and colleagues, spouses and significant others, boyfriends and girlfriends, even our children. You would be hard-pressed to count the many times you’ve stepped back and said, “Man, I really appreciate you and everything you do” with true conviction and adoration. Since we aren’t always cognizant of our inconsideration, many of these relationships may end up crumbling, because the other gets fed up with our consistent negligence, or simply because of a falling out. Though we may take advantage of, and may even abuse, these relationships, there is one relationship that never falters, regardless of how your treat it. And that is your relationship with Pizza. (It’s a thriving, beautiful relationship, I know.)

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1. It’s there when you call, in 45 minutes or less.

When you phone for Pizza, it knows you mean business. It shows up on time and prepared for every outcome, regardless of the time of day.

2. It comes in your favorite outfit, but isn’t afraid to be adventurous either.

When you answer the door, you see Pizza in its most stunning: clad in pepperoni, sausage, olives, and stuffed crust—your favorite. Pizza knows what you like, and is always sure to arrive in what you specify. Pizza also isn’t afraid to be adventurous, trying out new digs to impress you — and surprise! it always does.

3. It’s always prepared to stay the night.

Pizza is ready to stay the night. Though that doesn’t always happen, so I suppose you can call it a “one-night-stand.” But Pizza is always prepared for the morning after, whatever that may entail.

4. It’s there in the morning. Even if you have horrid morning breath.

Speaking of the morning after, we know you have awful morning breath. Guess what: Pizza doesn’t care. Even when your breath fries off people’s eyebrows like that SpongeBob episode, Pizza is willing to hang around you.

5. It never judges nor questions what you’re wearing.

Whether you’re dressed to the nines or in sweats with your hair up, Pizza doesn’t care; it’s just glad to spend some quality time with you.

6. It doesn’t mind if you gain a little weight, or no weight, or a lot of weight.

Pizza doesn’t acknowledge the love handles you so despise, nor does it point out the fact that you no longer wear a size 4. Pizza loves you for who you are, and you love Pizza for what it is. (Okay, maybe you love Pizza for how it looks and tastes, but it’s okay with that; it still loves you, regardless.)

7. It only has one job: to satisfy and comfort you, at all hours of the day.

Pizza doesn’t have real world responsibilities or jobs or emails to answer to. It’s main priority is you; everything else is on hold, forever, so you don’t need to worry about distractions. It’s okay, enjoy that slice by yourself—it only wants to serve you.

8. It wants to “Netflix and chill.” Literally.

You can sit in bed, turn on Netflix, and watch a series of shows for hours with Pizza, and it won’t complain. (Might I suggest Portlandia for your amusement?) In fact, that’s when Pizza is most content. (Oh, and going down on Pizza isn’t the worst idea in the world either.)

9. It doesn’t take long to heat up.

Stick it in the microwave. Set it for a minute (or a minute and thirty seconds or more for extra hot). Pull it out and watch the melted cheese sizzle. There’s no denying the sexual tension between you two; and it didn’t take that long to get things heated up. TC mark

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