1. The Wolf of Wall Street is infuriating, American Hustle is a masterpiece.
2. Both of these movies are about greed, the bankruptcy of the American dream, take place in the near-distant past and star attractive men born in 1974.
3. It was easier to dupe and deceive people before the Internet.
4. Hair seems to really matter a lot in the 1970s to 1990s—male obsession with female hair below the eyebrows, male obsession with male hair above the eyebrows.
5. Choose your pill to pop: Quaaludes v. “heart pills”
6. The Wolf of Wall Street is all about the bare breast and American Hustle is all about the side-boob.
7. The Wolf of Wall Street fetishizes orgasm, American Hustle fetishizes foreplay.
8. The Wolf of Wall Street is about the banality of making money and partying and American Hustle is about neither.
9. The Wolf of Wall Street will re-introduce you to Meth Lab Zoso Sticker and American Hustle will return the ear-worm A Horse with No Name.
10. The Wolf of Wall Street features the quotron prominently and American Hustle showcases the “science oven.”
11. Choose between a version of loyalty that feels like betrayal or a version of betrayal that feels like loyalty.
12. Confirm your longstanding suspicion that British accents and British things are fancy and thus better.
13. Dance party: drunk stockbrokers at a wedding v disco at studio 54.
14. Margot Robbie v Jeremy Renner, uhhhhh, come on!