Jeremy Glass

Being lured into dancing by someone’s mom.

One of my fantasies involves me locking myself in a swanky penthouse apartment with a typewriter and achieving fame through misguided, yet romantic, views on women.

I just met you in line waiting for the bathroom, tell me the story you told me then.

For a few months, we made the whole thing work. We set up times to call each other, I visited her, she visited me, it was fine.

So I’d be on the street, desperately asking anyone who came by: “Hey, got a second for animal rights?!” I was yelled at, ignored, and laughed at.

Through the power of deduction and, again, uncomfortable sexual tension, we learn Helen Hunt and Paxton were once married and chased tornadoes together — probably while uncomfortably sexual.

Most of my life-changing moments of clarity come to me around three in the morning after a hefty dose of crying and a couple Klonopin.

What’s cute about this one is that it was given by a girl who could only be described as “everything the opposite of what a puppy evokes.” That is, she wasn’t warm, fuzzy, or sweet.