I heard her voice before I saw her — that flirty, monotonous tone that I first heard shrieking in pleasure as her lady-parts got pummeled to by James Deen in Backdoor Teen Mom.
“Hi Farrah, I’ve seen your entire cervix online,” I thought as I shook her petite hand. Farrah Abraham is a reality TV star who just wrote an erotica novel, but this New York Times bestselling author (uh… yeah) will undoubtedly always be remembered for her “leaked” sex tape and very public teen pregnancy.
I found myself disappointed by the fact that Farrah was surrounded by two older women rather than the scary bodyguard I was promised via email. Regardless, the interview started out uncomfortably as I led the women up a flight of stairs to a locked door. told her that the conference room I wanted was on the floor below us and nervously backtracked.
“Good, because I didn’t come here to walk up and down stairs all day,” she said. I tried to dispel the awkward silence with a forced chuckle, but — like all forced chuckles — was met with more awkward silence.
From the start, Abraham seemed guarded and mysterious, but retained that sort of generic politeness you’d see from Tom Cruise or Patrick Bateman. She had written this erotica novel — appropriately titled Celebrity Sex Tape In The Making — and made it very clear that she was only there to talk about it. I made it a point to begin the interview with comfortable questions, as the possibility of being shut down was very imminent. I asked her about her book.
“It started with the memoir I did with MTV Press and then, with the sensationalism, of my own experience of doing with making my own sex tape then going to Couples Therapy, I thought I should capitalize off of this. It was a combination of therapy and the right business choice to write an erotic novel. I’m so happy that I did.”
Farrah’s book is about a woman named Fallon — a “starlet gone crazy” who decides to release her own sex tape. Probably just a coincidence. I had looked through it before the interview and found to be graphic and hilariously telling. For instance, the heroine of the book is Fallon Opal, a celebrity who loves partying and sex.
Farrah Abraham insists that the James Deen sex tape was a leaked personal video, yet her book is about a woman who releases a sex tape for money. A million dollars, actually. My personal favorite passage is the part where Fallon deliberates over choosing a star for the video.
“‘Celebrity-on-celebrity could be a thing, but the legalities could be problematic. What about doing it with an adult entertainment star?’ Virginia was taking my quip seriously.”
The book is a very clear wishlist — a glamorized account of the life she’s sort of had so far, but with a few added grandiose details. For instance, Farrah clarified that she’d never have sex on a coffee table and probably never would. It’s also disturbingly detailed and technical, going into graphic detail of anal sex with nearly anatomical descriptions. Some of my favorite passages involve her referring to a man thrusting his “digits” into her “anus.”
Behind those brown eyes is a girl who’s been on the wrong side of the public eye for years. Her fame is derived from a leaked amateur video that was neither amateur nor leaked. Before that, her claim to fame was as a star of 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom. Both shows painted her as an irresponsibly party girl — this year’s Paris Hilton — sex tape and all.
The fallout from the fame has resulted in a woman who has clearly decided that she wants to reinvent her image. Hence her conservative clothing, made-up face, snow white teeth, painted-on smile, and freshly-written novel.
Every question I asked was answered in a calculated, vague way in order to preserve any semblance of grace For instance, my favorite go-to question:
What’s your favorite taste?
“My favorite taste is love. I would generically answer it like love. Maybe it’s because I miss that right. I want to taste that now. That’s just where I’m at right now.”
Do you talk to James Deen?
Are you guys not friends?
“I don’t even feel like talking about it.”
We ended up talking about writing for a long time. She admitted that she’s very comfortable with writing erotica, because it’s what she knows. She also kept bringing up sex addiction and I couldn’t figure out if she considered herself a sex addict or a wannabe sex addict. I asked her which dead celebrity she’d like to see in a porno and she said Frank Sinatra. She asked me what my favorite sci-fi movie was and I told her Blade Runner — she’d never seen it, but I told her it was an incredible movie. She took mental notes.
As I found myself staring at her plump lips and blinding white teeth, I couldn’t help but think about the real Farrah Abraham. At 23 years old, she’s essentially become the character she’s written about in Celebrity Sex Tape In The Making — a caricature of a person. Wikipedia tells me she’s from Council Bluffs, Iowa and she was born in 1991 and I really wonder what she was like before her fame and ensuing chastity belt around her personality.
It was a strange scene altogether; she reminded me of those girls from high school who would write “all you need is love” on every surface they could find and surround themselves with groups of salivating men. Her whole life now is an attempt to counteract the damage done from a sex tape that was supposedly released against her will… but come on, I’ve read the book. Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining.