How To Life-Hack a Twenty-Something Year Old

 With hacks on the rise in the World Wide Web, finding a hack that’s perfect for you is easier than ever. Find out how to hack with this hack and start hacking away. 

1. Find Your Target

Finding a target was so much easier when #YOLO was popular. Nowadays, you have to do some serious digging when looking for the perfect victim. Try perusing the comment sites of your favorite websites or even the newsfeed of your Facebook. I always go for people who post “some e-cards” and talk about wine like they who invented the grape. Other targets can include people who use the phrase “just sayin’” to express their passive-aggressive comments or those who flagrantly use the word “literally” in the wrong context.

2. Set a Trap

Any good trap can be uncovered with the help of the Internet. By using Reddit, in addition to Google for fact-checking, you can find the perfect bait for your twenty-something. Note that bait changes every few days and once the bait loses irony, it’s essentially useless. Typically you can use kitten GIFs, photos of a celebrity’s tantrum, a photogenic lunch that needs to be Instagram’d, and obviously anything pumpkin spice latte flavored.

3. Prepare Your Tool

What’s a good hack without a good weapon? I usually go for artisanally sharpened pencils or etched axe blades from Etsy. Did you know you can sharpen the blade of a knife with the unfinished bottom of a porcelain bowl? By making your tool as sharp as it can possibly get, your twenty-something will find death unimaginably painful and brief. If you feel a cleaver is too campy as a murder weapon, there are many websites that sell little bespoke pocket knives that are perfectly capable of murder.

4. Plead Your Case

Slut-shaming, bro-shaming, dog-shaming. The Internet is where shame grows like the beautiful parasitic vine it is. By perfectly framing your case through websites like Jezebel and Gawker, you’ll gain sympathy in the masses by casually suggesting your target is totally in the wrong. A bonus is throwing a little bit of pretentiousness in there. No one wants to see a privileged little bastard continue on with their lives as they blow their parents money on J. Crew outfits and Notorious B.I.G. prints. Try writing down your motive to in a cute list format for Buzzfeed. If you add a GIF of Lil’ Bub or Grumpy Cat, you’re good to go.

5. Hack

More often than not, twenty-somethings will die if you stab them in the neck with a pointed object. There really isn’t a whole lot to it. You just cut them up, watch them blog the last moments of their lives, and walk away.

#MondayCutday #BloodForDays #LosingConsciousnessFromLackofBloodCirculation #OhGodBloodEverywhere #VitalOrganFailure #RememberMyTwitterHandle

Jeremy Glass is a Connecticut-born writer with a deep appreciation for pretty ladies, fast food, and white t-shirts.

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