1. Don’t bore people with your philosophies concerning running, your training regime for an upcoming race, your favorite spot to buy those hip toe-shaped shoes, or pictures from the Tough Mudder you just finished. Hearing about running is about as interesting as opening a can of tuna. Unless, of course, you’re running from something scary like a rabid dog or an angry celebrity.
2. Travel wherever you want and spend a lot of money on stupid souvenirs. I once bought a knife with an anchor on the handle from this dinky little truck stop in Arizona and I still use it all the time. Of course, it’s pretty dull and I really only use it when I want to stab my desk to illustrate how upset I am.
3. Hey, if you don’t want to go to a party, stay home and watch TV or read a book. I’ve had some dynamite times going to parties, but I’d much rather be eating deli meat wrapped in cheese and watching Kids In The Hall. My family still gets really weird when I insist upon being the one to eat the turkey neck on Thanksgiving.
4. Get a stupid tattoo. Heck, get ten of them! I have ten tattoos and they’re all pretty stupid. There’s a cupcake on my arm, a duck on my foot, and a UFO abducting a cow on my back. Fuck you, world; they’re awesome.
5. Get a dog, a cat, a parrot, and a goldfish. Just don’t throw them into an enclosed ring and have them do a Battle Royale, because that’s cruel and we all know the goldfish will be the first one to go.
6. If you want to read a book, do it. Don’t be embarrassed if you’re a slow reader. If you hate reading, then write something. If you hate writing, play badminton. If you hate badminton, you’re worse than Hitler.
7. Adopt defunct slang and use it all the time. I promised my dying grandfather I’d call things “trill” until it becomes cool again.
8. If you work at a startup, don’t call yourself an “HR Ninja” or “Social Media Guru” or a “Badass CEO/Expert Breakdancer.” I’m white, but this fad makes me hate white people.
9. Wait, people are constantly trying to bribe me? Ok, apparently people are constantly trying to bribe you. I’d feel that one, take the money, then not do the thing they bribed you to do.
10. Learn how to use hashtags properly. Seriously, spend a couple hours going through Twitter and take notes on proper hashtag use. After you’re done, take all this information and think about it really hard. Think about it so hard that it makes your brain explode. Now that you’re dead, feel free to live-tweet your time in #heaven.
11. Don’t smoke cigarettes. Though, if you do, don’t smoke menthols. After five or ten years of smoking, try to ease up maybe.
12. Look, fast food is totally delicious and all…but it will eventually kill you. So, if you’re looking for a really unique way to commit suicide, I suggest popcorn-shrimping yourself to death. It’ll be a really hilarious addition to your super-dark death certificate.
13. Be cool to people, because–just like that–they could fall victim to deadly Africanized bees.
14. Money doesn’t buy happiness, though it can purchase fancy electronics that could lead you to sign up for a dating site, where you eventually meet the person you’re going to marry. Alternatively, that person could be playing a long-con and kill you for your money a couple years down the line.
15 Break edge and try drinking. Just a little bit. Like, one beer. It doesn’t even have to be a good beer. Heck, I drink PBR all the time and I barely cry as much as I used to.
16. Always text your parents back, because they will think you’ve been murdered if you don’t.
17. Conference calls are awesome. You can talk to, like, a thousand people and be masturbating the entire time without them knowing.
18. Try to avoid saying these phrases:
a. “We don’t own a TV.”
b. “I’ve never really had to send a resume before.”
c. “Have you tried getting a job?”
d. “I don’t mean to sound like a dick, but…”
19. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about being glued to your iPhone. They’re glued to their iPhones also and you can go outside and play when you goddamn feel like it.
20. Have you ever seen Heavyweight with Ben Stiller? Stop reading this list and watch it.
21. Now that you’ve finished watching that awesome movie, eat a cookie. Or a brownie. Or cotton candy.
22. Whenever I eat at a restaurant, I always leave little notes and stories for my server. They’ve had a long day and probably need a pick-me-up. I once left a cute note for this girl who’d been working a 10-hour shift at this bar. We ended up having all kinds of weird sex. It probably cheered her up a little, I guess. Also, leave a big tip, because that’s how they get money.
23. In business situations, where negotiation is key: write how much money you want to make on a piece of white paper, fold it up, and slide it towards your potential employer. If your employer slams their fist down on the table in anger, try writing a lower number. If they laugh, pull out a lighter, and burn it up, then say: “When can you start?!”, cautiously accept.
24. If you’re trying to show someone you’re an alpha, try yelling really loudly. If you own a podium like me, bring it wherever you go. Unbutton your shirt to show off your chest hair (or cleavage) and yell at your podium. Channel Hitler, but not in the murderous way.
25. Don’t take advice from people who construct lists as a longform humblebrag. They’re rich assholes who don’t know how the rest of us live.