When one is down on their luck, they turn to the internet for help. Whether you’re scouring ads on Craigslist or subtly hinting that your nest egg is running low on Facebook, the Internet is the place to show the world what you’ll do for a buck. When the responses start filling your inbox, you’re going to have to filter through a lot of bullshit before you find the job which fits you best. Below are some simple steps to avoid living a miserable life, working for the reincarnation of Genghis Khan.
At this point, I think the music industry is the only institution that does not toss around the word “rockstar.” It seems harmless enough at first; “seeking rockstar waiter to work rockstar shifts in new rockstar restaurant.” Well guess what, kids — rockstar is codeword for “the worst position working the worst shift.” It’s the 5 a.m. shift in the back of the restaurant, where your main duties involve setting cockroach traps and de-greasing the soup pots. It’s the overnight shift at a deli, where you’re handed a shiv to protect yourself from irritable bums. There’s no rock and roll in the rockstar world. Pack up your bags and find another job, you’re going to burn out and fade away.
2. Brand Ambassador
Put down your Starfleet badge and set your phasers to “bummer,” because Brand Ambassador isn’t nearly as glamorous as it sounds. Those days you think you’ll be in a large classroom, explaining the finer points of your company’s newest product, will actually be spent outside in the rain handing out flyers. That’s right. Brand Ambassador = Flyer goon. Sometimes, being in fresh air can have a cathartic effect on one’s brain. You get closer to mother nature, interact with other people, and will eventually grow to love the product they’re promoting. Just kidding. After the first hour, you’ll want to cut your own head off.
3. Social Media Guru
This position is the miserable wolf in a bummed sheep’s clothes. Compared to the people who posted this position, you’re mothafuckin’ Albert Einstein. Social Media Guru entails a work day explaining the ins and outs of Twitter and Facebook to an SEO company UK way too out of touch to understand social media, let alone understand what a hashtag is and why it’s masquerading as a number sign. Those unaware of how to operate social media will be equally as ignorant as how often to post updates. So your days will be spent trying to fill your company’s “No Less Than 100,000 Tweets” quota.
4. “Almost Famous, Need Help”
So let’s call this employer Sheldon J. Montana. Sheldon was a real hot-shot in film school; he got straight A’s, was rarely late to class, and made a movie that did well in the festival circuit. He moved out to LA, bought large sunglasses, and started drinking kale on the reg. After a couple years of making bad movies Sheldon packed his bags and headed back east. He hits a midlife crisis. This is where you come in. The ad asks for an assistant to do some light filing and transcriptions, but pay no attention to this vague description. Sheldon has no filing to do, he wants you to write his movie. He’ll bleed you of ideas, yell at you when he finds no meaning in life and, if you’re hot, try to smash guts.
5. Totally Vague Company Seeks Energetic Idiot For A Pyramid Scheme
Did you apply to a company online? Did this company call you back seconds after receiving your resume and drill you with questions? Did they skirt around explaining what they actually do? Is their corporate office located above a happy-endings massage parlor? Did you fill out a badly photocopied application when you stepped into the waiting room? Was their waiting room filled with a bunch of people who looked like you, except more confused? Does their waiting room double as a kitchen? Does their kitchen double as a bathroom? It’s a trap. Go home.