If there’s one clear underdog in the world of cinema, it’s our old friend semen. It’s hard to dive into this topic without getting excessive or pornographic, but five films have tackled it with honesty and dignity. Sit back, relax, and enjoy your five stupendous movie moments in semen.
The culprit behind this straight-up goo-venture is the fabulous-on-all-fronts actor, Philip Seymour Hoffman. In Happiness, Hoffman plays a man who develops a sick obsession for his neighbor. One day, he calls her on the phone and beats off to the sound of her voice. His neighbor, played by the lovely Jane Adams, mistakes Hoffman’s voice for someone else and proceeds to answer a series of personal questions mostly centered around her outfit and the state of her vagina. The grand slam moment happens after Adams finds out what’s going on and hangs up the phone in disgust. Philip Seymour Hoffman then squanders his seed all over his bedroom wall and then, like ya do, places a postcard over the semen — which snugly keeps it in place. Hey, it’s cheaper than a thumbtack and contains DNA. Try and beat that, thumbtacks.
2. Y Tu Mama Tambien
This movie comes up over and over in my life. The messy threesomes, the gratuitous sex scenes, the premature ejaculation. It’s really the poolside masturbation scene starring Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna that leaves a lasting impression. I really can’t think of a scene that helps me relate any less to my childhood than the poolside masturbation scene. I’m not saying I didn’t have any close friends, but I can’t remember the last time one of my homeboys suggested we beat off together to kill time. The two friends are brought together through their victory strokes as they utter the names of hot women until their mighty dual climax. In an interview shortly after the film’s release, Gael Garcia Bernal admitted that shampoo was squirted into a pool to simulate spooge. Wow, what a nice handful of knowledge.
3. The Squid and The Whale
Noah Baumbach’s somewhat autobiographical film features a semen scene that comes relatively out of nowhere and leaves the audience with an icky lasting impression. The film is about a dysfunctional family who are dealing with lies, divorce, jealousy, and adultery. Jeff Daniels and Laura Linney are two writers, fighting to save a marriage, and raise their kids — Frank and Walt. Frank is the youngest and takes his frustration out by drinking, smoking, swearing, and publicly masturbating. The scene starts off with young Frank in the library, rubbing up against the books. It takes a second to sink in exactly what’s going on at first, but becomes shockingly clear when you see Frank smear his protein shake all over the books. Really makes you think twice about all those times you think you were never caught. Keyword: think. Your parents think you’re a pervert. Moving on!
4. There’s Something About Mary
You can’t have a masturbation list without There’s Something About Mary. This now famous scene was featured in the onemovie my parents banned me from seeing, which raises a lot of questions concerning their view on masturbation vs. violence. I couldn’t watch this movie, but they were totally cool with me watching Total Recall? There were three boobs on one lady in that film. Anyway, everyone knows what the scene – Ben Stiller has a date with Rosey Palmer in the bathroom, busts a nut, and promptly loses the load of baby batter. Adorable Cameron Diaz then finds it on his ear, mistakes it for gel, and rubs his string of pearls into her hair. Gosh, that actually felt really good to write. This was a scene, I assume, friends talked about for years to come and probably resulted in a lot of failed experiments within the teenage community. Again, probably would have been a great scene to watch, but I had to wait until I was 25.
5. 40 Days and 40 Nights
While this scene technically happens within a dream sequence, the imagery is strong enough to haunt one’s dreams forever and ever. Josh Hartnett plays an amateur sex addict, Matt Sullivan, who decides to withhold from having sex and bashing the bishop for — yep — 40 Days and 40 Nights. My Judaism kept me from realizing that this period of time is called Lent, but that’s unrelated. Anyway, Hartnett then meets a beautiful girl, they fall in love, he somehow gives her an orgasm with a rose petal, and he tells her all about his promise. The scene happens during the character’s last night of celibacy. Hartnett is handcuffed to a bed and has a Big Lebowski-esque dream, full of boob mountains, and a washing machine bursting with a mystery liquid. Hartnett wakes up, realizing he’s just been full on raped by his ex-girlfriend, loses the bet, blah blah blah, eventually gets the girl in the end. You don’t realize what’s happening at first, but soon you realize that mysterious liquid bursting from the washing machine is none other than Hartnett’s two-ball compound. Jizz. This film helps you remember how fun masturbation is and how abstaining from it will make you a bad person. Fun fact: I once saw Josh Hartnett at a wedding and almost asked him what it was like opening a washing machine full of spunk.