In my early 20s, I spent many an evening walking to Duane Reade at 1am to buy several types of cereal. The combination of GoLean Kashi, Crispix, and off brand Rice Krispies created a lovely crunch that momentarily quelled my young anxious state. However, after several weeks of this routine (plus weird stares from the deli guys), I realized that I had a slight wheat allergy. The result—my arm smelled like peanut butter. Eventually, I switched to tofu sandwiches.
Similarly, my writing partner Annie found herself eating more than one can of Progresso clam chowder in the course of a day. For the sake of her dignity, let’s pretend she ate one can for lunch, and one can for dinner. And not two cans in one sitting. It was senior year of college. She was a little broke, and she’s a fan of a cream-based soup. The next morning, after a coffee, she did her regular business, which turned out to be highly irregular. It was ghostly white. Pages and pages of Google searches urged her to immediately report to the emergency room, as white fecal matter is most commonly caused by a failing liver. Panicked, she left a voicemail for her aunt, a highly respected and esteemed doctor, detailing her symptoms. In a last ditch attempt to avoid the emergency room, she desperately searched for an alternate diagnosis. Finally, one link, all the way on the bottom of the sixth page of results, quietly stated, “progresso clam chowder.” Relieved, she regretted only the phone call to her aunt.
So get your cereal and clam chowder ready and enjoy the latest episode of TOO MUCH THERAPY!