Today I miss my friend.
I no longer miss the version of you I fell in love with. I no longer miss the lingering stares and whispered secrets.
The truth is, I’ve found someone new. He feels safe and warm, and I miss his arms when they’re not around me. He’s not what I thought I wanted, but he is everything I need. He never ceases to amaze me with his thoughtfulness, always putting my needs before his own and surprising me in the most subtle of ways. His gentleness, opposed to your jaded interior, humbles me. It reminds me to be kinder, to be less selfish with my heart, and to give my time freely to the people I love.
With him, I am not guarded. I am open and forceful like the waves of the sea. I don’t shy away from my feelings because his love is unconditional. When my insecurities start a fight, he puts on a helmet and stays. His quiet nature envelopes me in a warmth that is difficult to describe. All of the flaws that you hated, that you used against me, he loves. In all of the ways you hurt me, he shines through brighter than you ever did. He is everything that you were not.
So you see, I could never miss the you that I used to love.
But I do miss my friend.
Today, I miss my companion who came running to have my back, who made me laugh, who could listen for hours about this newfound something.
I understand now that this was the way we were always meant to be. Our dynamic worked because we were friends and nothing more. Lines blurred, and the only thing that became clear was the impossibility of us ever working out. As your friend, I felt unstoppable. As your anything else, I was a danger to myself. I was only in love with the idea of being hurt by you, and you were all too ready to pull the trigger.
Caring for you more than I should have was lonely and cruel. I am happier and healthier than I have ever been.
I no longer miss the ache of loving you, but I do miss my friend.