We were once inseparable. You were my best friend, my roommate, we even joked- my soulmate. You understood me better than anyone else and there was no secret or heartache I couldn’t confide in you. We didn’t judge each other for the mistakes we made; we supported each other. We were honest and told one another when someone didn’t deserve to be in our life, when we were lowering our value. I always had a partner to embark on adventures with, whether it was visiting new places or just driving endlessly, getting lost and allowing our troubles to lessen at each road we took.
But, then you changed. You were going through hardships and that I understand. Life can be immeasurably hard and I wanted to be by your side. I didn’t understand why you took it out on me, your friend.
Over the summer I spent my time in a new place for a job. I was making new friends, experiencing new things, and you became angry. That’s when it all began. I never left you behind though; I visited, I called- almost every night, but when I came home you weren’t the same. You told me I had gone places with these new friends that you had wanted to visit. How could I have done all these things without you?
During the semester, we’d go out together, have too many drinks- a normal night for a college student. What wasn’t normal was that the night would end with you screaming at me; tears streaming down your face. The arguments were so trivial; I can’t even remember what they were about. After a while I didn’t feel remorse. You made me angry. I had always tried so hard to be there for you, to understand that your anger wasn’t towards me. But, I could only be yelled at so many times before you started to lose me.
Then I started dating a boy. He was my first love. I wanted to share it all with you, to tell you every detail, but you didn’t want to hear. You said this semester was supposed to be about us, enjoying our senior year, not boys. But, he wasn’t just a boy and I never understood why it was a choice. Why couldn’t I have you both? Why did you make me feel like I was being a bad friend for wanting not only a best friend, but a boyfriend too?
Then you met him, and I was overjoyed for you. Maybe now you’d understand where I was coming from. You didn’t. You disappeared, spent all your time with him, hardly responding to my texts, cancelling plans with me to see him. Then I really got angry. You had me feel so bad for entering a relationship, but now that you had one, you didn’t want anything to do with me. I was replaced and it made me question our friendship more than ever.
So, I let go. I took a step back and saw that our issues had built since the summer I had been away. You had been angry for so long. But, I didn’t deserve it. I was growing, experiencing new things and meeting new people. I was learning about myself and what I wanted in the world. You were holding me back instead of supporting me. Maybe it was jealously. Maybe it was fear. I’ll never know for sure, but I am thankful for the four years of memories I had with you. I now know though that while you were a wonderful friend at the time, you were not meant to be lifelong.