I am not proud of my role in this relationship. I know that people are going to hear what I did, what I have to say, and judge me. I don’t have an excuse. I don’t have a reason for doing what I did. I am not going to try to be a victim here. I want to tell the truth about the situation I was in. I want to be heard and feelings expressed. There are going to be many women who hate this article and inherently hate me for this. But here it is…
I wish I could say that this experience was easy for me and being the other woman was an emotionless journey that I had with you just for sex. I wish I could say I knew from the beginning that you were never going to treat me well. Lastly, I wish I could say that I hate you for this. But, none of those things happened.
When I first met you, I knew about her. I knew about the girl who you were proud to be with and willing to fully be committed to. I knew how long you dated, how you started dating, I knew you were looking at puppies. I knew everything, which is what I hate myself the most for. I made excuses in my head over and over.
“She must not treat you well if you want to see me.”
“You must not really be in love with her if you can hold me like that.”
“You can’t be happy with her when I see you laugh as much as you do with me.”
In my head and deep down I knew that these couldn’t be true. The worst part, I fell for you. Even knowing these demons inside of you, maybe the worst thing about you, I still fell for you. I wanted to be with you. I didn’t want anyone else even though you very clearly did.
You opened up to me about so much in your life. I felt comfortable to do the same to you. We have so much in common, which is probably why you knew how to wrap me around your finger. I felt special to you. I could be completely and wholly myself with you. You never treated poorly. You actually treated me like you were trying to win me over.
Eventually it started to fade. Eventually our visits shortened more each time. Your affection lessened. It became more routine and schedule like it meant nothing. It meant nothing. Then I finally realized this. I realized all of this. I was never going to be the one you picked. You would never leave her. You were too comfortable or maybe even happy; I can’t fully decide yet.
This moment made it clear to me: you saw me as a piece of meat. You probably still do. Well, I am much more than that.
So good luck with your perfect girlfriend who you are proud to walk hand in hand with. Good luck with your puppy. Good luck with your future. There’s going to come a day where you realize that she doesn’t give you something that you sought me out for. I hope you realize that sooner rather than later. But, I hope you don’t involve me in that at all. I can’t handle it. I can’t handle feeling second best ever again.
I don’t hate you even though if I did it would probably make this easier. I still care for you immensely. But you were just a page in a chapter of my life titled “mistakes.” I will learn from this. I will never make this mistake again. I will find the man who will choose me as his number one and only. I will never again be someone’s silver, when I deserve to be their gold.