I have loved some boys before.
One I was pretty much “in love with” but he was my best friend and he loved me too, well, as a friend.
It was a shitty rollercoaster ride of feeling in the shadows.
I then found someone who opened me up, we could talk for hours, on the phone, in person, all the time. He became my bestfriend. Though, I did not know I loved him till we broke it off.
It was age differences and my lack of maturity at the time. Yet, I knew I loved him from how broken and dark I felt for a bit, and how my heart fluttered every time I heard his name.
I didn’t know who he was after. For years he would act like he did not know me but I still had those butterfly feelings and some sort of love in my heart still for him if I saw or heard of him.
I knew I loved him, when I did not see a certain flaw.
Lots of time passed, trying to move on to different guys, then being single for a long time, finding myself. Then boys, then back to myself. Then out of nowhere when I was not looking nor searching, I was content in my own skin and life of me on my own, someone walked in.
He was not who I liked at first, thought he was annoying, talked to much. Kind of like me. Then I realized he was nice and respectful. Figured out I actually did kind of know him since my friend had a short thing with him my junior year.
I knew he was different, he was intact with his emotions, while having the same exact humor as I.
A month passed or so, and for some reason my feelings for him were intense. I needed him, he was the one person who I felt myself finally deeply opening up too.
I guess you can say I am a hopeless romantic, but despite our intense and very opinioned personalities. I felt for once I have found my other half.
After a year I didn’t think too in-depth like marriage or anything but I wanted him around for however long he could be around despite the circumstances that were occurring around us.
He and I became so deeply connected, we could just tell with our eyes how we felt or if we were off or what we needed for one another in the moment.
Love became a totally different meaning with him.
It gave me a purpose to live and take my anxieties away. (Even though sometimes he was the cause of it lol)
I know the people I have loved; it will never really go away. Love never dies.
You just learn to love different people.
I’m scared I won’t have someone understand and comprehend my feelings like the last, but I am hopeful because I have so much fucking love to give.