The Worst Guys I’ve Ever Hooked Up With

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Stephen

Stephen was like my personal frat boy Barbie who came complete with a nasty coke problem and a bad eating disorder. Stephen’s diet consisted of coke, coke, adderall, more coke, weed and the occasional leaf of lettuce (seriously, the only food I ever saw him eat was salad, this boy ate more salad than I did). I’m pretty sure Stephen was gay because he had this friend named Blake and he would constantly try to convince me to have threesomes with Blake but the emphasis of Stephen’s begging was more on getting Blake naked and into bed then on double teaming me. Stephen’s world was shattered when his sketchy fraternity got disbanded for a scandal that involved almost drowning a pledge in the basement. He had the creepiest stare and couldn’t have weighed more than 90 pounds but oh my God, this boy managed to hook up with an unworldly number of girls.

Brian

Brian was my manager at work and another malnourished cokehead who would put just about anything he could get his hands on up his nose. He had a huge cock though, which was probably why I somehow managed to overlook his drug problem and his passion for metal music. We used to have sex in the most obscure places. Like once, we did it in the walk-in freezer at the restaurant we worked in and we had sex in the woods another time. I’m pretty sure we never actually got it on in a bed. Our relationship came to a screeching halt when I discovered that he had been hiding a fiancé and a baby from me, but damn, was this boy an awesome lay. His whereabouts are currently unknown but if I had to take a guess I would say jail, rehab, or wandering a desert somewhere in a coked out haze.

John

John was the type of college guy you meet that dresses like he’s in a fraternity and acts like he’s in one (aka hooks up with a gazillion girls and drinks his weight in Natty Light) but actually is unaffiliated with the Greek system. John had a creepy obsession with not just my hair, but the hair of any girl in general. There was photographic evidence of this guy stroking random girls’ hair with a creepy grin adorning his handsome face. The first time we slept together (we had known each other for a week) he whispered to me “I love you” and then proceeded to play with my hair for an hour while he thought I was asleep (I was very much awake and not moving out of pure terror.) Our romance ended when I asked him if the rumor going around school that he had herpes had any truth and he got strangely offended. He also told me this really odd story about how he got shot in a hunting accident which I later found out from one of his friends was completely fabricated.

Joel

I started hooking up with this guy freshman year. He had the most gorgeous body I’d ever seen but his face resembled a raccoon. Like seriously, the dude looked a raccoon! It was super disturbing. He also had this really weird tattoo on his butt that said “your name” which he thought was absolutely hilarious. He was the president of a fraternity on campus that was notorious for date-raping girls at their shady parties and he dumped me for my best friend. Karma bit him on his tattooed ass though because he is now a 6th year senior with a drinking problem, a girlfriend who cheats on him every chance she can get and a face that still looks like a raccoon’s. TC mark

image – telachhe

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  • Brononymous

    Cool story bro

    • S.H

      Brononymous <3

    • http://thehumorlessfeminist.tumblr.com thehumorlessfeminist

      damn it, you beat me to it

  • http://twitter.com/t_baugh Travis Baugh

    neat

  • Gork

    It basically seems like the point of this is that you uh have bad decision making skills. Congratulations?

  • http://thehumorlessfeminist.tumblr.com thehumorlessfeminist

    “He had the most gorgeous body I’d ever seen but his face resembled a
    raccoon. Like seriously, the dude looked a raccoon! It was super
    disturbing.”

    true literary talent, right there

    • Brononymous

      Who wouldn’t hook up with a raccoon?

  • Dgfsasd

    C’mon TC…

    • Tim

      Agreed. How do you justify this as having any real contribution to the world?

      • michael kramer

        i don’t know if they really have to justify that to anyone.

        they post articles that they think people will read because if people read them thought catalog gets $$$. (if you go back to the first 30-40 pages of articles you’ll notice stuff that’s WAY more highbrow than what’s on here now, but i think that those articles sort of began to die out because nobody read them -> no $$$ -> no more writing about being norman mailer’s assistant and lots more writing about getting drunk/having sex/feeling alone/eating food aka things that more people will read about.)

  • Mandy

    This does not reflect well on you, Jennifer

  • izzy

    Yikes.  Your judge of character skills need some improvement. 

  • Joel

    This is like a series of tweets or facebook updates, what happened to thoughtful articles? Wow.

  • anonymous

    TC must be low on submissions if they picked this trash

    • EP

      Well, then you submit something please. I’m sure your writing is of higher caliber.

      • anonymous

        It is, thank you !

  • Anonymous

    I don’t have a problem with “low-brow” articles per-se (I think some of the regular writers are pretty amusing) but I do wish they would mix it up more. When I started reading TC there seemed to be more balance between everyday relatable stuff and more theoretical thought-provoking stuff. Hope they get back to that, eventually.

    • Anonymous

      Was not amused by this article in particular but that’s beside the point.

  • justeunefille

    okay? 

  • anon

    Where’s the ‘Thought’ in ‘Thought Catalog’?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      damn

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      damn

    • http://twitter.com/jkymarsh J. Ky Marsh

      A-fucking-greed. Seriously, fuck this article especially. And why are these “________ I’ve Hooked Up With” articles always written by females?

      I’d rather take a bullet to the dome than read another article with this theme. Fucking. Stop. It.

      • Tay

        Yet here you are reading it.

      • James

        It’s like a horrible car accident.  You just can’t look away, even as they pulled a manged  body from the wreck.  Speaking of a mangled body, that almost made number 5 of her worst hook up.  “he had beautiful shins, but like, he had no head. seriously.  he had no head.” 

  • dee

    damn, this was hot.

  • Guest

    The “Your name” ass tat is a Jackass thing. The TV show.

  • Greg

    If you want to add to the list, contact me. 

  • Anonymous

    I think not hooking up with anyone with that has a serious coke habit and/or is in a fraternity would be a step in the right direction.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      or the entire fraternity for that matter #amirite

  • ln

    “…and a face that still looks like a raccoon’s.” +1

  • Brant

    Attributing your name, photo, and hometown to this work of art. That takes balls. I applaud you and look forward to your article on “The Best Career Moves I Ever Made.” 

  • guest

    Whoa man, whoa.  Something was ~wrong~ with you in college.

    • Jordan

      She’s only 20!  There’s a good 5-10 more years left of this probably.

  • Anonymous

    Is this, like, the only kind of dude available at East Carolina?  

  • Betts

    I only saw the word “like” six times in the article. I could have sworn the were, like, at least twenty…

  • Guest

    i clicked on this because of the indian wedding photo. sadly, no indians to be found.  :(

  • Penus Willyams

    Guess who the common denominator is.

    • http://twitter.com/jkymarsh J. Ky Marsh

      Comment victory.

  • guest

    I thought this article was hilarious. I like your writing style. Don’t let the haters get you down. I may be particularly empathetic due to my multiple experiences with cokehead bros. You live and you learn…

    • brant

      Yes, you live and learn…but if you’ve lived 4 times and have yet to  learn…empathy becomes difficult to come by.   

  • Jic2c

    As much as I love reading about the past mistakes & new lessons of female writers, I felt like this had no point. It’s as though she had a deadline and never finished the article in time. She just started a list and didn’t finish. I don’t really hold any judgment towards females writing ab0ut getting it on but this article was just…there

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