In so many ways, we wait. We wait through traffic. We wait to figure out what we’re doing tonight or tomorrow. Wait for someone to make us happy. To love us. Wait for the sky to fall. What other choice do we have? The logical alternative is to go out and get whatever it is we’re waiting for. But instead, you go out and figure out you’re more lost than you could have imagined. So what happens next?
You breathe. And you calm yourself by making a list. Why? Lists make everything better; they also put things into perspective. (This comes from an OCD person who buys a pack of Post-it Notes at least once a month in order to keep her life in check)
So here’s my list. Of the things I wait for.
I’m waiting for someone to see me beyond my glasses. I don’t mean literally see beyond my frames to my eyes, but really looking into my eyes, beyond past the things I know and the things I say. I want them to see and understand what I mean. And love me for my opinions, good and bad.
I wait for someone to think I’m pretty. This sounds teenagery and young, but it’d be nice to feel this way at some point. I’m not particularly pretty, but I’m not ugly either. I know a couple things about makeup and clothes, but is that what pretty is? Not when I’m dressed up to the nines or looking like a homeless person with a bun and yogas, but just an ordinary pretty. I want him to love my normal. Part of it, but I want him to look at me and think, “Wow, I’m lucky.” Maybe something a bit less dramatic, but something of the sorts.
I wait for someone to accept who I am and the things I’m passionate about, like choir music or television shows. And how I would spend hours upon hours doing either without a complaint. He could like them too. I hope that he’ll understand my weekly cry-fest for Grey’s Anatomy and my need for a giant glass of wine for Scandal.
I wait for someone to love me for my failures, faults, and successes. He doesn’t have to be perfect in any way, shape, or form. God knows I’m not. He just has to try. He just has to want to be here with me.
Those were what I wait for, but here’s what he should know if he chooses to involve me in his life.
He’ll know that I’ll be there for him, even when he says he doesn’t need me to be. I’ll be his rock because he’ll be mine. I will not falter, I will not crack. I will be there to offer a helping hand.
He’ll know that I want to listen to him, whether he’s complaining about the same awful work story or that he found a penny on the ground. I want to know about his life if he’s willing to share it with me.
Above all else, I want him to be happy, before and after me, if that’s the case. I will do my very best to do this for him no matter our situation. Its one of the things that make me “me.” I will always put my desires and myself aside if I need to. If it comes down to his happiness or mine, his wins.
I want him to know that all the doubt, all the time spent not knowing who or what comes next, did matter. It mattered because he and I would not be who we are or where we are without it. Maybe at the end of the day, he won’t want anything I want. He didn’t feel lost as I did. He wouldn’t care about the things I cared about. Maybe our relationship worked. Or not. Perhaps it worked at one point, but has the point passed?
And that’s okay too. We go back to waiting. Because somewhere out there, he has to be waiting for you too.