As I confess in my Instagram bio, I am a gorgeous human being/spiritual guide who has her life totally under control*. People often ask me to share my knowledge, so that’s exactly what I’ve decided to do. I find I’m particularly adept at giving dating advice. I’ve acted as a matchmaker on numerous** successful occasions. People often say it’s important to “be yourself”, but I disagree. You’re most likely awful, right?
1. Find out what perfume his mother wears, then spritz away before the big date. It goes without saying men want a girl who smells like their mom. That’s a given. Smell is the sense most tied to memory so it’s perfect for manipulating someone into loving you. If he asks what scent you’re wearing, tell him nothing. This is just our little secret!
2. Show up in his dead grandmother’s clothing. It goes without saying men want a girl who dresses like their dead grandmother. That’s a given. But how far is “too far”? Sure, you can try to find some pictures of her and replicate her style, but why not go to the source? The cemetery plot! Bring a shovel and a couple of girlfriends and call it a night!
3. Show up in his clothing. It goes without saying men want a girl who dresses exactly like them. That’s a given. So why not show how quirky and cute you are by breaking into his house and stealing some of his clothes? It’s the perfect icebreaker for a first date. You can even have a “Who Wore It Better” contest.
4. If you’re at a restaurant, pick away at his food like a ravenous seagull. Guys love this. Make sure you just order a side salad for your meal because you don’t want to look like a fucking glutton.
5. When he goes to the bathroom, place a dead mouse on top of his plate. (P.S., bring a dead mouse). Guys like a little edge. You’ll have finished off most of his meal anyhow, so playing a silly little prank while he’s visiting the rest room is a great conversation starter.
6. Spend 5 minutes just staring into his eyes and avoiding/completely ignoring his questions. The eyes are the windows to the soul! And the soul is the door to the bone zone…
7. Go to the bathroom, then reappear with a different hair color. Gotta keep ‘em guessing. Plus, science (I think?) tells us men are wired to mate with several different women. Show him a few different personalities. It’ll prove you’re wacky and unpredictable. You know, in a fun way.
8. Accessorize, accessorize, accessorize. But only if the pieces includes a crucifix. You should be wearing at least 5 crucifixes.
*Miss Murphy is deeply, deeply delusional about her life.