I will no longer let your approval control me. I will not chase what is not meant to be. I will focus on me and me alone. I will be selfish for the first time. This is what I am supposed to say, what every “new year, new me” person wants to hear — but that is not what I believe. I will still be petty, I will still want to win, I will still not let you know you hurt me. I will let go, but I won’t forget. That is all I can promise so far.
I am not a firm believer that you change overnight. I do not believe December 31st, 2018 me will be much different than January 1st, 2019 me. I will do what I always do. I will distract myself; I will drown myself in work. I will be and do everything I could have wanted and I will pretend this is enough. I will act like my photos around the world make me look worldly and not lost. I will act like my adventures are worth missing my home.
I will continue to find new ways to outdo my success. I will find a million new ways to cover up being empty. I will wear this mask. I will be so busy I will not even notice all this wasted effort. I will be too tired to care. You will think, “How does she do it?” She does it because she has to. It is the only way she knows how to be fulfilled.
I pretend to let you go, but secretly I want you to notice. I want you to see how well I am doing without you. I want to be better than who I was with you. So technically I have not let you go. You are the back of my mind. You are my motivation. You are my drive to be better. What I should do is just let go, breathe, and learn to be happy again. I can’t do that. I am not good at relaxing. I need to see success to believe it. I will use you like you used me. I will turn this depression into progression. I will make something good out of nothing.
Eventually time will pass. Sooner rather than later, each success will seem less rewarding. Everything will become just another trophy on my shelf. I will walk into my walk-in closet filled with more clothes than I will ever need and I will sigh. Then I will go to the mall and buy another overpriced black bodysuit that already looks like 3 other ones I already own. I will feel a temporary happiness. I am really good at finding temporary happiness. Once that feeling fades, I will just fill that void again until there is no more room. I sit in a sea of stuff that now just feels shallow. Everything once shiny lost its lustre. Once I have filled myself with nothing, I can breathe I can let go. I am now ready to let go of you.
I have done everything I pretended I wanted. I have done everything to distract myself. Now that I have kept myself busy to the point of delusional exhaustion, I am ready to be happy again. I am ready for a change that could scare me. I am willing to lose control to grow. I am scared to get out of my comfort zone but I know I need to. I am done avoiding, I am done distracting myself, I am done self-sabotaging. I am done using you (even if it temporarily motivated me). I don’t even need you for that anymore. I can push myself without the need of proving something to you. My accomplishments and goals are just for me now. I have finally learned to let you go.