I am scared without you seeing me every day, that you will forget why you love me.
I am scared this new place will change you.
You will fall in love with this new place and fall out of love with me. I am scared you won’t come home and I will never see you again. I am scared we never really got our shot and timing is everything, this distance could kill us.
I am scared I wasn’t enough to make you stay, even though I never asked you to. I wonder if you would have stayed, if I asked you to.
Or would you have asked me to go with you? Playing this “what if” game drains me.
I am scared if you do come home, you will be completely different and we won’t be us anymore. I am scared our memories won’t be enough and you will replace me.
I am jealous of everything you are doing without me, but I am supposed to be happy for you. I miss you, but I am scared about coming off as clingy. Now I am giving you too much space and you think I do not care enough. I was already the world’s worst texter, but it’s texting or nothing.
We need to communicate more than we ever have before, and I am scared I won’t be worth all this effort.
Every time I see that you have uploaded a new photo, I also see that you didn’t message me. I am mad, but I am not allowed to be mad and I won’t say that I am. But….you found wifi you had the time to instagram and you couldn’t find the “time” to message me. I wait all day for you to be online, just to be left disappointed. I can’t say any of this, because I am supposed to be “supportive” and I am. I know you want to have “fun” on your trip, but many people want to have “fun” with me while i am home (all alone and you are not here…).
I become resentful and it’s not fair.
I can’t explain it and I won’t bother, because you would never understand. I want you to know what I am giving up by waiting for you. But I will never tell you, because I don’t want you to feel for one second that you are not worth all of this.
This distance creates delusion.
I find myself filling you in on stories that you can’t understand, simply because you just aren’t here ( and it’s just not the same…). I have created so much build up in my head about how it will feel to see you again.
You have become like a mirage, because I am so happy when I hear from you. You become all I look forward to and all I hope for, but i know it won’t be long before you are gone again. I get in a worse state each time you leave. FaceTime is just a tease. You are this draining fantasy, all I do is daydream of us. I am starting to not even think you are real. Now I am thinking if I can forget you so fast, can you forget me even faster?
I don’t want you to make new friends there and I especially don’t want them to be girls. I don’t want you to like them more than me. I essentially want you to be miserable without me, because I am miserable with you.
I am selfish and jealous, but it’s just because I miss you too much. I think I love you more, because I miss you more every day. I start to question if I even like my life anymore without you. I hope you don’t like your life better without me.
Worst of all, I secretly hope you fail there. I hope you hate it so much and run home to me.