A roster is a group of potential. They are potential players, in this game we call love. With this day and age, it isn’t safe to put all your eggs in one basket. Thus the roster is formed to maximize all your options.
A few years ago, I was a big fan of the roster. Always having at least 3 on rotation. 3 is a good number, because with 2 there is too much comparing/competition. The third person is the third variable effect. It keeps everything, staying casual. It keeps everyone in line and in check of having no feelings. A roster can work, emphasis on the word can. Here are the 4 secrets of the “roster”.
1. Expiration date.
The biggest thing that makes or breaks a roster is a timeline. A roster can be a beautiful thing if done correctly. The key to having a successful roster is a stern dead line. Nothing past the 2 month mark. After around the 60 day period, things turn serious or worse they become “real”. This is when the relationship becomes not only just complicated, but the feelings become confusing.The main problem with a roster is, you may be enjoying it too much that you never want the ride to stop. Believe me it, it will stop and most likely not in your favour.
The longer you play with matches the more likely it blows up in your face. This may be okay with you, it used to definitely be okay with me. Everything has a risk/reward factor. That is what you have to consider. If this is just a bender after a break up or you just simply want to be a fuck boy for the last of your college career. Then by all means, find people you don’t what to get to know and you can never grow to like. Keep things just for the night time, do not cuddle them, do not hang out during the day. Most importantly only text them when you want something. However, if your roster is filled with people you already care for you are already losing this game. You can’t be so heartless to a friend, co-worker, or someone who was already in your life (before things moved from innocent to physical).
This is where the expiration date gets tricky, because you may never want to cut them off (which is way worse than a short-termed roster with randoms). A roster that goes on for years is a recipe for heart break for all parties.
2. You are not allowed to have rules.
But you do… somehow you have pulled this love triangle off. You are drunk with power and high on attention. You have seemed to master mind every single member of your roster. The law of attraction, everyone wants what they can’t have.You have become “the main girl” to all of them. You have kept these boys in rotation for almost a year now. By not scaring them away with the kiss of death talk of commitment. You have become the object of their affection effortlessly. They fight for your attention, because you aren’t constantly asking them “what are we?”. You become the girl they cook for, you meet their sister, you cuddle with them until 3 pm the next day and they pay for your brunch while you eat with their friends.
They hold your hand at night and they walk you to the door and kiss you good bye. You talk until 6 am, they tell you everything they can’t tell their friends. Then they look at you. This game just got interesting. They tried to fight it, but they admit defeat. They say what every girl wants to hear. They tell you “I like you”. They just broke all the rules, you weren’t allowed to have. The second they said this, this stopped becoming a game. But you were winning, and you weren’t ready to let go of this newfound power. This is your moment, this is your chance to be happy. But, you don’t see it that simply. You want what you can’t have, so you want all of them.
3. You have lost score.
You have kept this going for far too long now. The whole point of this “roster” was to avoid feelings. But you find yourself, falling for both of them. You aren’t sure what you want anymore. Honestly you never had a clue what you wanted, but now you really don’t. One cooks for you, the other one makes you laugh. You have history with one, but you have that great “just beginning” feel with the other. What one of them lacks, the other one has. This seems genius, but it is only self destructive.
You become obsessed with this pro/con list. Therefore you decide, not to decide. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Except that doesn’t work on your end…As unfair as this all seems it is about to get even more cruel. You do not know who you want, but you do know you do not want them with anyone else. It seems insane, but jealousy is a strong feeling and you didn’t sign up for feelings. So here is your chance to flee first. You give them an out. You tell them “we don’t have to do this anymore, we can just go back to being friends”. But, they can’t do that because they already told you “i like you”.
You are stuck in this never ending cycle. You don’t want to, but you start to lie to them. You lie to yourself first, saying you are sparing their feelings. But, you just don’t want to lose them and you are selfish. You have become so delusional and caught up in this game. This is where things actually start to get crazy. You find yourself actually playing the “victim card”. You are actually starting to manipulate yourself, without even knowing it! You have turned it around…that they have not chosen you. You are the poor girl unchosen, being toyed around. News flash, they are not the ones who need to make a decision! They BOTH chose you. They are just so scared of giving you anymore power. They have already told you how they felt, and you avoided it. Why would they give you another chance to break their heart? This is your turn to speak up…But you don’t. This becomes a huge waiting game.
4. You are not on the same page.
Women are insecure and men like to secure their egos. Now remember that chance you had to be happy? Don’t you wish you took it now. You have become so caught up in this game, you have lost all sense of reality. You have entered complete fairytale mode. In your pretty little mind, this” love triangle” has become romantic. It isn’t romantic maybe tragic,but not romantic. You find yourself almost fantasizing about them fighting over you. They are waiting for you to chose them, you are expecting them to beg for you. This game has inflated your ego. The roster has made you believe, that you are better than them. The second you think that all hope for love is over. Winning has become more prominent than anything else. You get cocky, and they start to catch on. You lose more than an almost boyfriend, you lose real friends.
Like it or not you liked each other once. While you may have never been “official”, you were real. While they may never say it out loud to you, you hurt them. But, most of all you hurt yourself. As much as you pretend this is all fun and games, you might have loved them. The “what ifs” are what kills you. Those are the questions that keep you up at night not your mistakes, but the ones you didn’t make.
People who have rosters pretend they are avoiding feelings. They are not avoiding feelings. They defiantly have feelings for them. They are avoiding making a decision and most of all they are avoiding getting hurt. A roster is quite a comical masque. People who have rosters pride themselves on having control or acting like “they do not care”. When ironically we all know they are the people who care the most. “The lady doth protest too much”. You lose yourself in the game. You become addicted to winning.
You don’t see what is right in front of you. They are so terrified of getting hurt or letting anyone in, they keep all their options open. They claim “this isn’t the right time, right now” or “they just aren’t the one”. Well they have been one of “the ones” for the past 9 months. The truth is they are terrified of committing to one of them and losing. You think you are playing it safe, by not getting close. But, by not making a choice you are taking the biggest risk of all. You don’t give anyone a real chance to love you, and lose your real chance on love.