I Know I Shouldn’t Like You, But I Do

Myles Tan

I made a big mistake. I like someone else. Someone who I haven’t known for a long time. Someone who even doesn’t want a relationship. Someone who’s not my boyfriend.

Someone that I’ve deliberately opened my doors to and without warning, this person starts storming his way to something that even I can’t point out. I know that he is wrong in so many ways and yet I’m like a moth drawn to a burning flame, unconsciously blocking out the possibility that I’ll crash and burn.

This shouldn’t be happening. I’m perfectly happy in my relationship and yet why must I feel like this? Like a teenager consumed by a crush that leads nowhere. I get annoyed when I don’t hear from you. I jerk every time my phone goes off, half expecting that it would be you. And my heart would sink again and again when I don’t see your name on the screen.

You aren’t supposed to mean anything. You are supposed to be nothing. I try to brush off this schoolgirl crush and yet, you seem to occupy most of my thoughts, wondering where you are and what you’re doing. It hurts.

You are a bad habit I desperately want to break but like an addictive vice, I keep coming back for more. I’m in a complete daze just to numb the pain and the guilt rushing through my veins. I drink to drown the hurt that I know I shouldn’t feel. I keep busy to push you out of my mind. I stay high on most nights just to forget every little thing I know about you and when I thought I’m doing so well living my life, just one “Hey, what are you up to?” and every reserve I have left in my body goes out of the window. That is what you do to me.

I wish I could escape you and get you out of my system and yet I also want a day with you where nothing else matters. That I’m not attached to anyone else. That you finally wouldn’t try to resist me.

Just us two and finally not caring about the world. Just the two of us enjoying each other’s company. This agony of liking someone you’re not supposed to is killing my heart and my mind. I just want to break loose from whatever spell you’ve got me on.

And the way I see it, we will slowly stop talking and all of this will fade and I’m allowed to forget about you and move on. I know this is the inevitable road I’m heading to, but as for now, my stubborn romantic and naïve brain refuses to shut you out and abandon this ludicrous idea. TC mark

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