Just A Few Times When I Should Have Said Yes

When you asked if something was wrong. Of course something was wrong. Was anything, anything at all in that moment, right? The love of my life was pleading for a second chance on my doorstep on a cold, rainy night, and it took all the strength in me to ask you to walk away. Every night, there we are again on that rotting doorstep, me in my pajamas, you in your raincoat, both of us with tear-stained cheeks, breathing whispers of pleads and broken promises. I convinced myself that that’s what we were: a broken promise. Neither of us could keep it, but you were determined to try.

When you asked if you could come in to talk. Closing that door was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I still see your face, silently begging me to reconsider as I said goodbye. Could you tell that it hurt me as much as I hurt you? For weeks, I couldn’t face myself. When I look in the mirror, all I see are broken pieces of glass. With you, I felt whole. I thought that maybe you could create something more beautiful than the original with the broken pieces. But I was wrong. We weren’t enough to hold each other together, at least not forever.

When you asked me if I still loved you. Of course I did—I still do. Every fiber of my being is electrified when you are around me; the hairs on the back of my neck stand up at just the mention of your name. I can’t count the nights that I fell asleep wishing that you were next to me, even if you snored louder than the sound of the wind whistling at my bedroom window. I wish love could have been enough for us, but sometimes the world doesn’t work like that. Oh, how I wish it did.

In the secret space of my dreams, however, I do say yes.

Yes, of course something is wrong. My world is incomplete without you in it. There is no color; everything is gray and faded. You give my life meaning.

Yes, you can come in. Let’s fix this. Let’s mend our broken pieces and make something more beautiful than the original. We are enough to hold each other together forever.

Yes, I still love you. I have always loved you. My love grows for you more and more each day, so much so that it encompasses me. Love is enough. We can face the world together, so long as we have love.

When I wake up to the whistling wind next to the window of my mostly empty bed, I allow myself to sit, just for a moment, in the possibility of a forever with you. In the possibility of a “yes.” In the possibility that, one day, I will have enough strength in my heart and bravery in my spirit to give you the yes you deserve.