One of the worst parts about having a loud inner critic is that you can become aware of how that nagging negative voice impacts your life, but you can remain powerless to stop it. You literally can hear it tell you things about your life. You believe it when it tells you that he forgot you. Other people will tell you that he is probably just busy. He just forgot to text you back. He fell asleep. His phone broke. He lost his phone. There are endless possibilities, yet you for some reason trust that little voice that tells you he forgot you. He doesn’t like you or he moved on, leaving behind the “read at 2:56 pm” and you questioning your self-worth.
You can go from having the best day ever to the world ending in a matter of moments. Everything is amplified, the good and the bad. You feel badly when friends text you back hours after you texted them about your bad day. The moment’s passed, and the sun is out again. The world is no longer ending and it’s difficult to explain to them what happened. Your emotions are a rollercoaster. You cry when you’re happy. You cry when you’re sad. You cry when you should be happy but you aren’t, and you just don’t know why. There is no reason sometimes.
You apologize incessantly. People shouldn’t have to deal with you. You need constant reassurance that you aren’t a bother or that people still want you in their lives. You feel like you can never fully open up because you are just too much to handle. You feel like a burden, yet you also can’t stay away. You need the reassurance. You need to feel like you are wanted wherever you are. The voice in your head will drive you crazy with wanting to be there and wanting to be wanted there while simultaneously not wanting to step on anyone’s toes.
You feel like you are both “too much” and “not enough.” People will tell you that you need to calm down. “Don’t worry.” If you tell people all the things that go on inside your head, you will push them away. If their behavior or tone changes, you’ll spend hours wondering what it was about you that pushed them away. Was it something I said? Was it what I wore? Did I bother them too much? Should I just leave them alone? Yet you’ll also be plagued with no being enough for people. Not being kind enough. Not being fun enough. Not being cool enough, or rich enough, or “liked” enough. You will never measure up to the standards you put on yourself.
The worst part of living in your head is feeling like you are trapped there forever, alone. You feel powerless to the voices that plague you. The echoing never seems to stop. You can’t ever seem to catch a break. All you need is one day, just one time that you do something right for once. Even when you have victories, there is that nagging doubt that tells you it was a lucky break. You just want one day of silence so you can just be free.