I Am Sorry For Using You To Feel Whole

There was something wrong about me wanting you. I felt it in my bones. I knew that we weren’t meant to be, that you weren’t my soulmate. Still, I chased you. I desired you. I loved the idea of you. On paper, you were everything. I could grow to want you.

I didn’t want you—not you exactly. I wanted a man to come home for me. To choose me. I wanted someone to send me “good morning” texts. I wanted someone to stay home with, go out with, or tell anything to. There didn’t have to be love, not really. At this point, just someone wanting me could be enough. Just someone who chose me. I didn’t care who it was. It could be you. It could be the neighbor. It could be the barista who smiled at me that day.

Everyone around me was finding their forever. Everyone around me had found the person. It seemed as if everyone had found their routine, skipped the awkward getting-to-know-you part, and found their “one.” Can you create “the one”? Did I try to do that with us?

I am sorry if I used you. I am sorry if I put you in a role that you didn’t want to or deserve to be put in. I am sorry that the idea of who I wanted you to be created an unrealistic expectation that I should have never depended on you to fill. People are not place-holders. People are not put on this Earth to fill the holes that we don’t dare admit are empty. I am sorry if I took you for granted. I am sorry if I tried to force the puzzle pieces of our lives together in an attempt to make the picture work.

This is me admitting that I have holes. This is me admitting that I use people, and I am so sorry for it. This is me admitting that I use people to give me the love I don’t think I deserve to give myself. What I have learned is that not just any piece will work to finish your puzzle. A piece can seem like a good match when you first discover it, yet still not fit perfectly in your puzzle, and that is okay. Because one day, everything will click. But there won’t be any room for that piece if you keep forcing pieces that aren’t for you. And when you come along that perfect piece, it will be a beautiful day.

About the author
I am a bikini competitor, baker, word lover, & personal trainer. Follow Jennifer on Instagram or read more articles from Jennifer on Thought Catalog.

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