I can throw away every single handwritten note that you would slip into the pocket of the pants I set out the night before, but I can’t seem to forget the butterflies that filled my stomach when I read things like “You look more beautiful every time I see you” or “I can’t wait to build a forever with you.”
The apartment still smells like you. I can’t get rid of it. All of your clothes have been returned, your books donated, and your presence gone. But that smell, the smell of cologne, your “manly” teakwood candles, and laundry detergent. I’ve washed my sheets countless times, but it still lingers. Maybe it’s just in my mind.
I can’t seem to get your laugh out of my mind. I wake up from a dream of us laughing on the couch, and my stomach hurts like it was yesterday. Or your sick laugh when I told you I couldn’t do this anymore. That laugh quickly turned into both of us choking back tears and I prayed to God that I could forget that part. But no, I can’t, no matter how hard I try. I wake up from a nightmare with us in separate cold beds, wondering if this is my punishment for breaking your heart. I hope you know I broke mine, too.
We listened to the same radio station. It’s the only country station in this big fast paced city that both of us dreamed about getting out of. Sometimes I wonder if we’re listening to the same song, at the same time, on the same road going in opposite directions. That’s what we were, weren’t we? Going in opposite directions. I wish I could forget that part. I wish I could pretend that we lived in a world where love was enough. Love could fight all of our problems. Distance, timing, different dreams, and different cities. I wish I could forget how it felt when our hearts started wanting different things.
In my head, there we are again at our favorite coffee shop near the park. You’re telling me about the time you and your brother snuck out to go to a concert that your parents were at. You tell me about your past, knowing I am your future. I can’t seem to forget that I don’t know what my future is without you in it.
I can’t seem to forget your smile that goes all the way up your sparkling green eyes.
I can’t seem to forget that time still flies. I feel like I am paralyzed without you.
I can’t seem to forget how you would dance with me in the middle of the kitchen.
I can’t seem to forget who I was with you, even if I am not her anymore.
But most of all, I don’t want to forget. I want all of it. The hurt, the heartache, the happiness, and the love. Because the pain of losing you could never compare to the pain of forgetting you.