I Wish I Could Be Who You Deserve

I spent most of my life believing in forever love. The princess in me hoped for fairytales. I found myself planning weddings, anniversaries, kids birthday parties, and vacations as I scrolled mindlessly through Pinterest. I wanted the kind of love that would whisk me away, the kind that ends in happily ever after.

I didn’t expect that falling into that kind of safe love would feel so risky. So vulnerable. I spent so much time in the safe bubble of my future that I neglected the reality of my present. The one where you and I sometimes feel like we’re walking on a tight rope. One false move can send us both falling. I pray that if that happens, we would have time to hold onto one another. If the ground fell out beneath our feet, I’d want to at least be able to grasp onto something familiar. Something I love.

When did growing up get so unsettling? I thought the point of finding the one was to settle down. But instead of waiting for my carriage to whisk us away, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for you to decide you can’t see a forever with me. I’m waiting for you to reject the baby names I picked out when I was ten. I’m waiting for you to realize that I’m too much of a mess for you to handle and you didn’t sign up to be part of the clean up crew.

Now, when I think of the future, all I see is a question mark. All I want to see is you, but the stories I’ve told myself over the years tell me that isn’t possible. That I am undeserving of that kind of love. That it is no longer out there for me. I am terrified to lose you. I am terrified to forge a life with you and have it taken away. I’m terrified to hinge my happiness on you and then have you walk out of my life like it never meant anything.

Maybe it’s better this way. I say it out loud. It’s bullshit and we both know it. But you walk away anyway, and I let you. No, I push you. I push you away and let you take my dreams of a fairytale with you. I don’t dare reopen the door because I can’t take that risk. I can’t risk letting myself fall more in love with you. I can’t risk making you my forever. You deserve more than a shaky tight rope of a future with a girl who still doesn’t know what she wants to be when she grows up. I deserve this, yet I still wish I deserved you.

I wish I could be the kind of person you deserve.

I am a bikini competitor, baker, personal trainer, & writer.

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