The first time I saw you, I was working in a coffee shop up in the mountains. You were so beautiful, with your dark hair and slightly crooked smile that I was unable to mutter anything other than, “Would you like anything else with your order?” I would see you many times after as you were a frequent customer, although I didn’t notice at the time that you seemed to be in every time I was working.
The first time you asked me out, I didn’t even realize that it was a date you were looking for and not simply some friendly company. It never registered in my mind that someone like you would consider anything from me other than friendship. I nervously wrote my phone number down on a piece of scrap paper, unaware that you would return to your vehicle and place that number in your visor as a symbol of victory and that you would return home to your family and inform them that after all this time, you finally asked out the girl you had been talking about all this time. They all knew my name, as you spoke of me constantly. I had no idea.
The first time we went out, we had lunch and walked on giant rocks that were nearby. At one point we found one to sit on and we watched the sun set, with the vivid reds and oranges against the mountains providing the perfect atmosphere for our first kiss. It had not occurred to me that you were just as insecure as I was, and while you were thinking the same thing, you did not kiss me. As you took me to my car that night, I did something I had never done before and kissed you without knowing if it was going to be reciprocated. Something in me told me that if I didn’t kiss you right at that moment I would regret it for the rest of my life. It was the single most wonderful kiss I had ever experienced and a great love story was beginning to unfold.
The first time we exchanged words of love, we were laying in your bed after a baseball game with your family. I had wanted to tell you for quite some time and I could think of no other way to start the exchange other than to say, “You know what I think? I think you love me.” After one of the longest pauses of my life, you looked over at me and said, “I think you’re right.”
The first time I realized the extent of your feelings was the first time I broke your heart. I had surrendered to the demons I had been attempting to fight for years, and you found me in bed with a bottle of mouthwash that I had swallowed down after not being able to find any other form of alcohol. I remember the look of pure torture in your eyes, completely unaware of what to do how to deal with the feelings of doubt that had registered within you. You doubted my love for you, my sincerity and my honesty. As much as I tried to convince you that I loved you, the seeds had already been planted, and you distanced yourself from me.
The first time you broke my heart, you came over to my apartment where you found me helpless and sick on my bedroom floor. I had never seen such disgust or hatred on someone’s face and I certainly had never seen it from you. You looked me straight in the eyes and told me you wanted nothing to do with me anymore and I could feel the love draining from you as you spoke. You walked out of the door, and something in me broke and has remained that way ever since. I have never been the same.
The first time you realized how much you loved me was when you thought I was with someone else after our breakup. Suddenly my phone rang more, your visits were more frequent and we found ourselves going out in public again, as opposed to the brief encounters in my apartment where we would have sex and pretend like that’s all there was between us. Neither one of us was willing to admit how much we still cared, and part of me was bitter that it took someone else’s attention for you to realize how much you still loved me.
The second time we got back together, I kept part of myself from you. I wasn’t about to let myself get hurt again, and you couldn’t completely trust me after everything we had been through. You thought I was still seeing someone else, and I now see that I allowed you to believe that because I wanted to hurt you like I had been hurt. I wanted to see the sadness in your eyes and the complete devastation I had felt after you left the first time. I never let go of the part in me that had been broken beyond repair, and I guess I wanted you to be just as broken as I was. I will be forever regretful of my actions, and I hope you know how much I still love you.
The first time I knew I would forever be in love with you was the last time I saw you. The time when I realized that your happiness was much more important than my own. The time when I knew I would never be able to let you move on with me still in the picture. The time when we made love in your bed, you kissed my tears, exchanged words of love one more time, and said goodbye.