It started to seem like it was coming back. You know, those awful feelings cluttering the mind, filling it with noise, and the dark cloud over the head.
I started analyzing everything that anyone was doing, overthinking every detail of what my significant other did or said, convincing myself that this, this, was finally the day that I was going to lose my loves. That everything in my life had finally caught up with me and now I was to pay the consequences.
That the perception of the crippling depression and anxiety being gone was but just a lie I had been telling myself all these months.
That the confidence and self-worth I had once felt was just to cover up the true fact of the matter, that it was still there and I was just trying to convince myself that I am good enough, where in actuality, I am quite the opposite.
I looked in the mirror again and didn’t recognize the person I was.
I looked in the mirror again and told myself I was ugly.
I again compared myself to my sister, my phenomenal human being of a sister, and I was telling myself that I will never be as good as what she is.
The anxiety started to seem like it was returning too. I felt my heartbeat, felt the pains in my chest, convincing myself that now I am going to have a heart attack. That fear that I had experienced for years, which had left when I experienced my healing, it came back.
I considered the fact that I had already been to seen my spiritual counselor who, using deliverance and the power of the Lord, had driven out years of dark beings who had caused all the negativity in my life, and she couldn’t see anything left over.
It must just be me, right?
That this is truly a mental problem… right?
Fake it till you make it.
The words from my favorite person on the planet, who speaks harshly to me because she loves me, who gives me the tough love I need.
It’s not coming back. It will never come back.
Believe that, when it feels like it is. I promise you, it’s not. Put on your favorite and happiest songs that you listened to when you felt yourself getting better. Drive out the insecurities and the desperately sad thought using nothing more than prayer and the sheer power of your mental capabilities. I assure you, you can do it.
If I can go through this for two to three weeks, to the extent that I began to annoy my significant other by forever asking for reassurance, and come out of it once again a complete person, then so can you.
Granted, it takes time. It will slowly start to build up. Be patient with it, it can’t be rushed. As much as we desperately wish it could, it is but yet another process that is being used to build up your strength even more.
Now, isn’t that exciting?
Stay strong, and fight this. I know you can do it.